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Mr. Ward delivering his great Umos Speech. \See Pagi 
178.] 



riiui uiii i «n I III. 

lA DEPARTMENT OF UBOR. 




avu/fl 







WITH MANY COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS. 



1^ Kate ;i.v)DO ^ c/.^uetoa' ] 




1/ 






Enterea tccordlng to Act of Congress In the year 1862, by 
CHAKLES F. BROWN, 
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District oi 
ijew York 



CHARLES W. COE, Esq., 

OF CLEVELAKD, OHIO, 
%JL J^x'iend. all tlie Year Hound 



9 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 



FRONTISPIECE — ARTEMUS WARD FOR THE UNION 1 

NEW ENGLiiND RUM 22 

THE SHAJ^ERS 19 

" ON THE AVING." 37 

THE CRISIS 55 

VISIT TO BRIG HAM YOUNG 73 

EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO ... 91 ' 

ON "FORTS." 109 

MOSES THE SASSY 145 

JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD , . . . . 163 
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN . . 4*i- /<^^ 

THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED 199 '^ 

PICCOLOiSnNT, A CHILD OF THE REGIMENT • 127 

THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE . . ,109 
MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD .... 8 

E.ABT SIDE THEATRICALS 6] 

A JENTA . FELLER l' 



CONTENTS. 



PAOi 

OJ^TE OF MR. ward's BirsrN"ESS LETTERS . . 9 

THE SHAKERS .12 

HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA . . .24 

THE ATLANTIC CABLE 26 

AMONG THE SPIRITS . ~ 31 

ON THE WING 37 

THE OCTOROON 42 

EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR . . . . 50 

OBERLIN . 52 

THE showman's COURTSHIP . . . . 67 

THE CRISIS 62 

WAX FIGURES US. SHAKSPEARE , . .68 

VMONG THE FREE LOVERS . . . .72 

SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURG . , '77 

A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG . . . . 79 

THE CENSUS 87 

AN HONEST LIVING 90 

THE PRESS . . . . . . .91 

EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO . . . 93 

THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPUIjAE LECTURES 99 

woman's RIGHTS 101 

WOULD-BE SEA DOGS . , . . .105 

ON "FORTS." , 106 



CONTENTS. 



PICCOLO MIN . - ■ . ,110 

LITTLE PATTl . . .... 115 

MOSES THK SASSY . . . . • . .119 

THE PRINCE OP WALES. ... 126 

OSSAWATOMIE BROWN 135 

jrOY EN- THE HOUSE OP WARD . , , 139 

JRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN . . . .146 

INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. . 152 

THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED . . . .161 

THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. . . .170 

FOURTH OP JULY ORATION . . . .178 

THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVELLE . . 185 

INTERVIEW WITH PRINCE NAPOLEON . .191 

WAIIION: A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL 201 

r.ETTEP WlinM GORY ME:MBER OF THE HOME 

otiARD 205 

EAST SIDE THEATRICAiS .... 206 

SOLILOQUY OP A LOW THIEF . . . .212 

SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS . . . 215 

THE WIFE ....... 221 

A JUVENILE COMPOSITION . , . 200 

A POEM BY THE SAME ... • 200 



At lilt; l^)or of the Tent. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Show is about to 
commence. You could not well expect to go in 
without paying, but you may pay without going 
in. I can say no fairer than that. 




"Home Guard Drill." [See Page 205.] 



r 



AETEMUS ¥AED 



3NE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. 



To the Editor of the 

Sir — I'm movin along — slowly along — down 
tords jour place. I want you should rite me a 
letter, sayin how is the show bizniss in your place. 
My show at present consists of three moral Bares, a 
Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal — t' would make 
you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump 
up and squeal) wax figgers of G. Washington Gen. 
Tayler John Bunyan Capt. Kidd and Dr. Webster 
i:i the act of killin Dr. Parkman, besides several 
liscellanyus moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts 
& murderers, &c., ekalled by few & exceld by 



10 ONE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. 

none. Now Mr. Editor, scratch orf a few lines 
sajin how is the show bizniss down to your place. 
I shall hav my hanbills dun at your offiss. Depend 
upon it. I want you should git my hanbills up in 
flamin stile. Also git up a tremenjus excitemunt 
in yr. puper 'bowt my onparaleld Show. We must 
fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on their 
fcelins. Cum the moral on 'em strong. If it's a 
temprance community tell 'em I sined the pledge fif- 
teen minits arter Ise born, but on the contery ef your 
peple take their tods, say Mister Ward is as Jeniai 
a feller as we ever met, full of conwiviality, & the 
life an sole of the Soshul Bored. Take, don't you ? 
If you say anythin abowt my show say my snaiks is 
as harmliss as the new born Babo. What a inter- 
estin btudy it is to see a zewological animil like a 
snaik under perfeck subjecshunl My kangaroo is 
the most larfable little cuss I ever saw. All for 15 
cents. I am anxyus to skewer your infloounce. I 
repeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall git 
'em struck orf up to yout printin office. ISIy 
perlitercal sentiments agree with yourn exackly. ] 



ONE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. H 

know thay do, becawz I never saw a man whooa 
didn't. 

Respectively yures, 

A. Ward. 
P. S. — You scratch my back & He scratch youi 
bact. 




' As JENIAL A FELLER AS WE ETEE MET." [Page 10.] 



THE SHAKERS. 

The Shakers is the strangest religious sex I ever 
met. I'd hearn tell of 'em and I'd seen 'em, with 
their broad brim'd hats and long wastid coats ; but 
I'd never cum into immejit contack with 'em, and 
I'd sot 'em down as lackin intelleck, as I'd never 
seen 'em to my Show — leastways, if they cum 
they was disgised in white peple's close, so I didn't 
know 'em. 

But in the Spring of 18 — , I got swampt in the 
exterior of New York State, one dark and stormy 
night, when the winds Blue pityusly, and I was 
forced to tie up with the Shakers, 

I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim 
vister of the futer I obsarved the gleams of a taller 
candle. Tiein a hornet's nest to my off boss's tail 
to kinder encourage him, I soon reached tlie place 



THE SHAKERS. 13 

I knockt at the door, which it was opened unto me 
bj a tall, slick-faced, solum lookin individooal, who 
turn'd out to be a Elder. 

" Mr. Shaker," sed I, " you see before you a 
Babe in the Woods, so to speak, and he axes shelter 
of you." * 

" Yay," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into 
the house, another Shaker bein sent to put my 
bosses and waggin under kiver. 

A solum female, lookii'; sumwhat like a last year's 
bean-pole stuck into a lonj? meal bag, cum in and 
axed me was I athurst and did I hunger ? to which 
I urbanely anserd " a few." She went orf and I 
endeverd to open a conversashun with the old man. 

" Elder, I spect ? " sed I. 

" Yay," he sed. 

" Helth's good, I reckon? " 

" Yay." 

" What's the wages of a Elder, when he under- 
stans his bizness — or do you devote your sarvices 
gratooitus? " 

' Yay." 



14 THE SHAKERS. 

*' Stormy night, sir." 

"Yay." 

" If the storm continners there'll bo a mosfl 
underfoot, haj? " 

"Yay." 

"It's onpleasant -when there's a mess under- 
foot?" 

•''Yay." 

" If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price 
of that pecooler kind of weskit you wear, incloodin 
trimmins ? ' ' 

"Yay!" 

I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshua 
with him and see how that would go, I slapt him on 
the shoulder, bust into a harty larf, and told him 
that as a yaijer he had no livin ekal. 

He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted 
into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the 
Bealin and sed: " You're a man of sin ! " He then 
walkt out of the room. 

Jest then the female in the meal bag stuck h^r 
hed into the room and statid that refreshments 



THE SHAKERS. 15 

awaited the weary travler, and I sed if it was vittles 
she ment the weary travler was agreeable, and 1 
follered her into the next room. 

I sot down to the table and the female in the 
meal bag pored out sum tea. She sod nothin, and 
for five minutes the only live thing r that room 
was a old wooden ciociv, which tickt in ^ '5ubdood 
and bashful manner in the corner. This dethly 
stillness made me oneasy, and I determined to talk 
to the female or bust. So sez I, " marrige is agin 
your rules, I bleeve, marm ? " 

"Yay." 

" The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect ? " 

" Yay." 

" It's kinder singler," sez I, puttin on my most 
sweetest look and speakin in a winnin voice, " that 
so fair a made as thou never got hitched to some 
likely feller." [N. B. — She was upards of 40 
and homely as a stump fence, but I thawt I'd tickil 
L'jr.] 

" I don't like men ! " she scd, very short. 

*' Wall, I dunnOj" sez I, " they're a raythei 



16 THE SHAKERS. 

important ;,.art of the populaslmn. I don't scacel^ 
see how we could git along without 'em." 

' Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate 
deal l^etter tr.ere was no men ! " 

" You'll excoos me, marm, but I dont think that 
air would work. It wounln't be regler." 

" I'm fraid of men ! *' she sed. 

" That's onnece.;.;ary, marm. You ain't in no 
danger. Don't fret yourself on that pint." 

" Here we're shot out from the sinful world. 
Here all is peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. 
We don't marry and consekently we hav no domes- 
tic difficulties. Husbans don't abooze their wives — 
wives don't worrit their husbans. There's no chil- 
dren here to worrit us. Nothin to worrit us here. 
No wicked matrimony here. Would thow like to 
be a Shaker ? " 

" No," sez I, " it ain't ray stile." 

I had now histed in as big a load of pervishuna 
as I could carry comfortable, and, leanin back in my 
cheer, commenst pickin my teeth with a fork. The 
female went out. leavin me all alone with the clock 



THE SILiKEES. 12 

I hadn't sot thar long before the Elder poked hia 
hed in at the door "You're a man of sin ! " he 
sed^ and groaned and went away, 

Direcklj thar cum in two young Shakeresses, as 
putty and slick lookin gals as I ever met. It is 
troo they was drest in meal bags like the old one 
I'd met prcvisly, and their shiny, silky har was hid 
from sight by long white caps, sich as I spose female 
Josts wear; but their eyes sparkled like diminds, 
their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin 
enuif to make a man throw stuns at his granmother^ 
if they axed him to. They commenst clearin away 
the dishes, castin shy glances at me all the time. I 
got excited. I forgot Betsy Jane in my raptor, 
and sez I, " my pretty dears, how air you ? " 

'' We air well," they solumly sed. 

" Whar's the old man ? " sed I, in a soft voice. 

" Of whom dost thow speak — Brother Uriah ? " 

" I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a 
man of sin. Shouldn't wonder if his name was 
Uriah." 

" He has retired.'- 



18 THE SHAKERS 

"Wall, my pretty dears,'' sez I, "let's hav sum 
fun. Let's play puss in the corner. What say ? *' 
" Air you a Shaker, sir ? " they axed. 
' Wall^ my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my 
proud form in a long weskit yit, but if they was all 
like you perhaps I'd jine 'em As it i^J, I'm a 
Shaker pro-temporary." 

They was full of fun. I seed that at fust, only 
they was a Ifeetle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the 
corner and sich like plase, and we had a nice time, 
keepin quiet of course so the old man shouldn't 
hear. When we broke up, sez I, " my pretty dears, 
car I go you hav no objections, hav you, to -. .riuer- 
sent kiss at partin ? " 

" Yay," thay sed, and I yay^d. 
I went up stairs to bed. I spose I'd bin snoozin 
half a hour when I was woke up by a noise at the 
door. I sot up in bed, leanin on my elbers and 
rubbin my eyes, and I saw the follerin pictcr : The 
Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller candle in 
his hand. He hadn't no wearin appeerel on except 
his night close, which flutterd in the breeze like a 



IHE SHAKERS. 19 

Seseshun flag. He sed, " You're a man of 
sin ! " then groaned and went away. 

I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf 
with the prettj little Shakeresses, mounted on m_^ 
Californy Bar. I thawt the Bar insisted on steerin 
strate for my dooryard in Baldinsvillo and that 
Betsy Jano cum out and giv us a warm recepshun 
witli a paiifull of Bilin water. I was woke up arly 
by the Elder. He sed refreshments was reddy for 
me down stairs. Then sayin I was a man of sin, 
he went groanin away. 

As I was goin threw the entry to the room where 
the vittles was, I cum across the Elder and the old 
female I'd met the night before, and what d'ye 
spose they was up to ? Huggin and kissin like 
young lovers in their gushingist state. Sez I, " my 
Shaker frends, I reckon you'd better suspend the 
rules, and git marrid ! " 

" You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the 
female ; " he's subjeck to fits and hain't got no 
command over hisself when he's into 'em." 

" Sartinly," sez I, "I've bin took that way 
myself frequent." 



20 - THE SHAKEKS. 

*' You're a inaiii of sin ' " scd the Elder. 

Arler breakfust my i;ttlc Shaker tVciiJa cnm in 
agiij to clear a'way the dishes, 

'' My pretty dears,'' soz I, " shall we yay agin ? 

" Nay," they sed, and I nay^d. 

The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as 
they "was to hav sarvices that mornin, so I put on a 
clean biled rag and went. The meetin house was 
as neat as a pin. The floor was white as chalk and 
smooth as glass. The Shakers was all on hand, in 
clean weskits and meal bags, ranged on the floor 
like milingtery companies, the mails on one side of 
the room and the females on tother. They com- 
menst clappin their hands and singin and dancin. 
They danced kinder slow at fust, hut as they got 
warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell 
you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right 
smart chance of spryness in his legs, considerin hia 
time of life, and as he cum a dubble shufile near 
where I sot, I rewarded him with a approvin smile 
and sed : ' ' Hunky boy ! Go it, my gay and festiv 
cuss ! " 



THE SHAKERS. 21 

"You're a man of sin ! ' he sed, continnerin fiis 
sliuffle. 

The Sperret, as thej called it, then moved a 
short fat Shaker to say a few remarks. He sed 
they was Shakers and all was ekal. They was the 
purest and seleckest forie on the yearth. Other 
peple was sinful as they could be. but Shakers was 
all right. Shakers was all goin kerslap to the 
Promist Land, and nobody want goin to stand at 
the gate to bar 'em out, if they did they'd git run 
over. 

The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter 
they was threw, one of 'em axed me what I thawt 
of it. - 

Sez I, " What duz it siggerfy ? " . 

"What?" sez he. 

*' Why this jumpin up and singin? This long 
weskit bizniss, and this anty-matrimony idee ? My 
frends, you air neat and tidy. Your lands is flowin 
with milk and honey. Your brooms is fine, and 
your appl« sass is honest. When a man buys a 
kag of apple sass of you he don't find a grate manj 



22 ■ THE SHAKERS. 

fihavins under a few layers of sass — a little Game 
I'm sorrj to saj sum of my New Englan ancestera 
used to practiss. Your garding seeds is fine, and if 
I should sow 'em on the rock of Gibralter probly 1 
&hould raise a good mess of garding sass. You air 
honest in your dealins. You air quiet and don't 
distarb nobody. For all this I givs you credit. 
But your religion is small pertaters, I must say. 
You mope away your lives here in single 
retchidness, and as you air all by yourselves noth- 
ing ever conflicks with your pecooler idees, ex- 
cept when Human Nater busts out among you, aa 
I understan she sumtimes do. [I giv Uriah a sly 
wink here, which made the old feller squirm like a 
speared Eel.] You wear long weskits and long 
faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed. No children's 
prattle is ever hearn around your harthstuns — you 
-air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the 
jolly sunshine of life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it 
from your doors by them weskits, and meal bags, 
and pecooler noshuns of yourn. The gals among 
you, sum of which air as slick pieces of caliker as 




Artemus among the Shakers. ' Yay," tuey sed, and I 
yay'd. [^See Page 18.] 



THE SI-IAKERS. 23 

r ever sot ejes on, air sjin to place their beds agin 
weskits which kiver honest, manly, harts, while you 
old heds fool yerselves with the idee that they air 
fulfillin their mishun here, and air contented. Here 
you air, all pend up by yerselves, talkin about the 
sins of a world you don't know nothin of J^Iean- 
while said world continners to resolve round on hei 
own axeltree onct in every 24 hours, subjeck to the 
Constitution of the United States, and is a very 
plesant place of residence. It's a unnatral, on- 
reasonable and dismal life you're leadin here. So 
it strikes me. My Shaker frends, I now bid you a 
welconie adoo. You hav treated me exceedin well. 
Thank you kindly, one and all. 

"A base exhibitor of depraved monkeys and 
onprmcipled wax works ! " sed Uriah. 

"Hello, Uriah," sez I, " I'd most forgot you. 
Wall, look out for them fits of yourn, and don't 
catch cold and die in the fiour of your youth and 
beauty." 

And I resoomed my jerney. 



HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTIOA. 

In the Faul of 1856, I showed my show in 
Utikj. a trooly grate sitty in the State of New 
York. 

The people gave me a cordyal recepshun. The 
press was loud in her prases. 

1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests 
and Snaiks in my usual flowry stile what Avas my 
skorn & disgust to see a big burly feller walk up to 
the cage containin my wax figgers of the Lord's 
Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the feet 
and drag him out on the ground. He then com- 
menced fur to pound him as hard as he cood. 

" What under the son are you abowt ? " cried L 

Sez he, " What did you bring this pussylanermus 
cuss here fur ? " & he hit the wax figger another 
tremcnjis blow on the hed. 



HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTlcA 25 

Se2 1, '' You egrejus ass^ that air's a wax figger 
— a representasliun of the false 'Postle," 

Sez he, " That's all very well fur you to say 

but I tell you, old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't 

show hisself in Utiky with impunerty by a darn 

site ! " with which observashun he kaved in Judassia 

bed. The young man belonged to 1 of the first 

famerlies in Utiky. I sood him, and the Joory 

brawt in a verdick of Arson in the 3d degree 
2 



CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HON 
OH OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE. 

Baldinsville, Injianny, Sep the onct, 18&58. — 1 
was summund home from Cinsinnaty quite suddin 
by a lettur from the Supervizers of Baldinsville, 
sayin as how grate things was on the Tappis in that 
air town in refferunse to sellebratin the compleshun 
of the Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & axkin me to be 
Pressunt. Lockin up my Kangeroo and wax wurka 
in a sekure stile I toe k my departer for Baldins- 
ville — "my own, my nativ Ian," which I gut in- 
two at early kandle litin on the follerin night & just 
as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware cpm- 
mensin. 

Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. 
Near can I forgit the surblime speck ticul which met 
my gase as I alited-from the Staige with my umbrel- 



CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 27 

ler and verlise. The Tarvern was lit up with taller 
kandles all over & a grate bon fire was burnin in 
frunt thareof. A Transpirancj was tied onto the 
sin& post with the follerin wurds — " Giv us Liber- 
ty or Deth." Old Tompkinsis grosery was illumer- 
nated with 5 tin lantuns and the follerin Transpi- 
rancj was in the winder — " The Sub-Mershine 
Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank 
Road — the 2 grate eventz of the 19 th centerry — 
may intestines strife never mar their grandjure." 
Simpkinsis shoe shop was all ablase with kandles and 
lantuns. A American Eagle was painted onto a flag 
in a winder — also these wurds. viz — "The Con- 
stitooshun must be "Presarved." The Skool house 
was lited up in grate stile and the winders was filld 
with mottoes amung which I notised the follerin — 
" Trooth smashed to erth shall rize agin — you can't 
STOP HER," "The Boy stood on the Burnin Deck 
whense awl but him had Fled." '' Prokrastinashun 
is the theaf of Time." "Be virtoous & you will be 
Happy." " Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of 
trubble — -^shun the Bo'e," an the follerin sentimunt 



28 CELERRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 

written by the skool master, who graduated at Hud- 
son Kollige. " Baldinsville sends greetin to Hei 
Magisty the Queen, & hopes all hard feelins wliich 
has heretofore previs bin felt between the Supervi- 
zers of Baldinsville and the British Parlimunt, if 
such there has been, may now be forever wiped frum 
our Escutchuns. Baldinsville this night rejoises 
over the gerlorious event which sementz 2 grate na- 
shuns onto one anuther by means of a elecktric wire 
under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep. Quos- 

QUE TANTRUM, A BUTTER, CaTERLINT, PATENT NOS- 
TRUM ! " Squire Smith's house was lited up re- 
gardlis of expense. His little sun WUliam Henry 
stood upon the roof firin orf crackers. The old 
'Squire his&elf was dressed up in soljer clothes and 
stood on his door-step, pintin his sword sollumly to a 
American flag which was suspendid on top of a pole 
in frunt of his house. Frequiently he wood take 
orf his cocked hat & wave it round in a impressive 
Btile. His oldest darter Mis Isabeller Smith, who 
ha* just cum home from the Perkinsville Female 
Jrrtertoot, appeared at the frunt winder in the West 



CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 29 

room as the goddis of liberty, & sung " I see them 
on their windin way." Booteus 1, sed 1 to myself, 
you air a angil & nothin shorter. N. Boneparte 
Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun, drest hisself up as 
Venus the God of Wars and red the Decleration of 
Inderpendunse from the left chamhir winder. The 
'Squire's wife didn't jine in the festiverties. She 
Bed it was the tarnulest nonsense she ever seed. 
Sez she to the 'Squire, "■ Cum into the house and go 
to bed you old fool, you. Tomorrer you'll be goin 
round half-ded with the rumertism & won't gin us a 
minit's peace till you get well." Sez the 'Squire 
" Betsy, you little appresiate the importance of the 
event which I this night commemerate." Sez she, 
" Commemerate a cat's tail — cum into the house 
this instant, you pesky old critter." " Betsy," sez 
the 'Squire, wavin his sword, "retire." This made 
her just as mad as she could stick. She retired, 
but cum out agin putty quick with a panfull of 
Bilin hot water which she throwed all over tho 
Squire, & Surs, you wood have split your sides lar- 
fin to see the old man jump up and holler & run 



30 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVIJ.LE. 

into the house. Except this unpropishug circiim- 
Etance all went as merry as a carriage bell, as Lord 
Bjrun sez. Doctor Hutchinsis offiss was likewise 
lited up and a Transpirancj on which was painted 
the Queen in the act of drinkin sum of " Hutchinsis 
invia;orater." was stuck into one of the winders. 
The Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty noospaper offiss 
was also illumernated, & the follerin mottoes stuck 
out — " The Press is the Arkermejian leaver which 
moves the world." "Vote Early." "Buckle on 
your Armer." " Now is the time to Subscribe." 
" Franklin, Morse & Field." " Terms .^1,50 a 
year — liberal reducshuns to clubs." Li short the 
villige of Baldinsville was in a perfect fewroar. I 
never seed so many peple thar befour in my born 
days. He not attemp to describe the seens of that 
grate night. Wurds wood fale me ef I shood try to 
do it. I shall stop here a few periods and enjoy my 
" Oatem cum dig the tates," as our skool master 
obsarves, in the buzzum of my famerly, & sha'l then 
resume the show bisnis, which Ive bin into twenty 
two (22) yeres and six (6) months. 



AMONG THE SPIEITS. 

Mj naburs is mourn harf crazy on the ne\9 
fangled idear about Sperrets. Sperretooul Sirclea 
is held nitely & 4 or 5 long hared fellers has settled 
here and gone into the sporret biznis excloosively, 
A atemt was made to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark 
into the Sperret biznis but the atemt faled. 1 of 
the long; hared fellers told her she "was a ethereal 
creeter & wood make a sweet mejium, whareupon 
she attact him with a mop handle & drove him out 
of the house. I will hear obsarve that Mrs. Ward 
is a invalerble womun — the partner of my goya 
& -ihe shairer of my sorrers. In my absunse she 
watchis my interests & things with a Eagle Eye & 
when I return she welcums me in afectionate stile. 
Trooly it is with us as it was with Mr. & Mrs. 
Ingomer in the Play, to whit — 

2 soles with but a single thawt 
2 harts which beet as 1. 



32 A?.IOx\G THE SPIRITS. 

My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul 
Sircle at Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found 
the east room chock full includin all the old maida 
in the villige & the long hared fellers a4sed. When 
I went in I was salootid with " hear cums the be- 
nited man" — "hear cums the hory-heded un- 
beleever ' — "hear cums the skoffer at trooth," 
etsettery, etsetterj. 

Sez I, " my frens,it's troo I'm hear, & now bring 
on your Sperrets." 

1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he 
would state a few remarks. He sed man was a 
critter of intelleck & was movin on to a Gole. 
Sum men had bigger intellecks than other men had 
and thay wood git to the Gole the soonerest. Sum 
men was beests & wood never git into the Gole at 
all, He sed the Erth was materiel but man was 
immaterial, and hens man was dilferent froni the 
Erth. The Erth, continnered the speaker, resolves 
round on its own axeltree onct in 24 hours, but as 
man haint gut no axeltree he cant resolve. He 
Bed the ethereal essunce of the koordinate branchia 



AJIONG THE SPIRITS 33 

of superhuman natur becum mettjinoi fussed as man 
progrest in harmonial coexistunce & eventooally 
anty humanized theirselves & turned into reglar 
sperretuellers. [This was versifferuslj applauded 
by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get 
along as pleasant as possible, I sung out "bully 
for you, old boy."] 

The cumpany then drew round the table and the 
Sircle kommenst to go it. Thay axed me if thare 
was anbody in the Sperret land which I wood like 
to convarse with. I sed if Bill Tompkins, who wa? 
onct my partner in the show biznis, was sober, T 
should like to convarse with him a few periods. 

" Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present ? " 
Bed 1 of the long hared chaps, and there was three 
knox on the table. 

Sez I, " William, how goze it. Old Sweetness? '^ 

" Pretty ruff, old boss," he replide. 

That was a pleasant way we had of addressm 
»ach other when he was in the flesh. 

" Air you in the show bizniz, William," sed I. 

He aed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was 
2* 



34 AMONG THE SPIRITS. 

travelin with a side show in connection with Shak 
spere, Jonson & Co. 'a Circus. He sed old Bun 
(meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the animils & 
ground the organ wliile he tended door. Occashun- 
ally Mr. Bunjan sung a comic song. The Circus 
was doin middlin well. Bill Shakspeer had made a 
grate hit with old Bob Ridley, and Ben Jonson was 
delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of hoss- 
manship without saddul or bridal. Thay was re- 
hersin Dixey's Land & expected it would knock the 
peple. 

Sez I, " William, my luvly frend, can you pay 
me that 13 dollars you owe me ? " He sed no with 
one of the most tremenjis knox I ever experiunsed. 

The Sircle sed he had gone. " Air you gone 
William ? " I axed. " Rayther," he replide, and I 
knowd it was no use to pursoo the subjeck furder. 

I then called fur my farther. 
How's things, daddy ? " 

' Middlin, ni_y avn, mirtdlin." 

" Ain't you | roud of your orfurn boy? " 

* Scacely," 



AMONG THE SPIRITS St 

" Why not, mj parient? " 

" Becawz jou hav gone to writin for the noos- 
papers, my son. Bimeby you'll lose all your char- 
acter for trooth and verrasserty. When I helpt you 
into the show biznis I told you to dignerfy that 
there profeshun. Litteratoor is low." 

He also statid that he was doin middlin well in 
the peanut biznis & liked it putty well, tho' the 
climit was rather warm. 

When the Sircle stopt thay axed me ^hat I thawt 
of it. 

Sez I, " my frends I've bin into the show biznia 
now goin on 23 years. Theres a artikil in the 
Const itcoshun of the United States which sez in 
effeck that everybody may think just as he darn 
pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare. You 
dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it 
is, a little mixt. Just so soon as a man becums a 
reglar out & out Sperret rapper he leeves orf 
workin, lets his hare grow all over his fase & com- 
mensis spungin his livin out of other peple. He 
eats all the dickshunaries he can find & goze round 



86 AMONG THE SPIRITS. 

chock full of big words, scarein the wimmin folka 
& little children & destroyin th<; piece of mind of 
evry famerlee he enters. He don't do nobody no 
good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on honest 
peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say 
abowt the doctrin to be troo, I must say the 
reglar perfessional Sperrit rappers — them as makes 
a biznis on it air — abowt the most ornery set of 
cusses I ever enkountered in my life. So sayin ] 
»)ut on my surtoot and went home. 

Respectably Yures, 

Artemus Wari/. 



ON THE WINa 

Gtents of the Editjral Corpse; — 

Since I last rit you I've met with immense suc- 
cess a showin mj show in varis places, particly at 
Detroit. I put up at Mr. Russel's tavern, a very 
good tavern too, but I am sorry to inform you that 
the clerks tried to cum a Gouge Game on me. I 
brandished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cased 
watch round considerable, & as I was drest in my 
store clothes & had a lot of sweet-scented wagon- 
grease on my hair, I am free to confess that I 
thought I lookt putty gay. It never once struck me 
that I lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes me 
hadn't I better put my watch in the Safe. "Sir," 
sez I, " that watch cost sixteen dollars ! Yes Sir 
every dollar of it ! You can't cum it over me 
my boy! Not at all, Sir." I know'd what the 
clerk wanted. He wanted that watch himself He 



38 ON THE WING. 

wanted to make believe as tho he lockt it up in the 
safe, then he would set the house a fire and pretend 
as tho the watch was destroyed with the other prop- 
erty ! But he caught a Tomarter when he got hold 
of me. From Detroit I go West'ard hoe. On the 
cars was a he-lookin female, with a green-cotton um- 
breller in one hand and a handful of Reform tracka 
the other. She sed every woman should have a Spear. 
Them as didn't demand their Spears, didn't know 
what was good for them. "What is my Spear?' 
she axed, addressin the people in the cars. " Is it 
to stay at home & darn stockins & be the ser-lave 
of a domineerin man ? Or is it my Spear to vote 
& speak & show myself the ekal of man ? Is there 
a sister in these keers that has her proper Spear? " 
Sayin which the eccentric female whirled her um- 
breller round several times, & finally jabbed me in 
the weskit with it. 

' I hav no objecshuns to your goin into the Speai 
bizness," sez I, "but you'll please remember I ain't 
a pickeril Don't Spear me agin, if you please.' 
She sot down. 



ON THE WING. 36 

At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sudden faint- 
ness, I called for a drop of suthin to drink. As I 
was stirrin the beverage up, a pale-faced man in 
gold spectacles laid liis hand upon mj shoulder, & 
sed, " Look not upon the wine when it is red ! " 

Sez I, " this ain't wine. This is Old Bje." 

'' It sting eth like a Adder and biteth like a Sar- 
j,ent f " sed the man. 

" I guess not," sed 1, " when you put sugar into 
it. That's the way I allers take mine." 

" Have you sons grown up, Sir ? " the man axed. 

"Wall," I replide, as I put myself outside my 
beverage, " my son Artemus junior is goin on 18." 

" Ain't you afraid if you set this example b4 him_ 
he'll cum to a bad end? " 

" He's cum to a waxed end already. He's learn- 
in the shoe makin bizness," I replide. "I guess 
we can both on us git along without your assistance; 
Sir," I obsarved, as he was about to open his 
mouth agin. 

" This is a cold world ! " sed the man. 

"That's so. But you'll get into a warmer one 



40 ON THE WING. 

by and bj if you don't mind your own bizness bet- 
ter." I was a little riled at the feller, because I 
never take any thin only when I'm onwell. I arter 
wards learned he was a temperance lecturer, and if 
he can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire 
with the frightful licker which is retailed round th,e 
country, I shall hartily rejoice. Better give men 
Prusick Assid to onct, than to pizen 'em to deth by 
degrees. 

At Albion I met with overwhelmin success. The 
celebrated Albion Female Semenary is located here, 
& there air over 300 young ladies in the Insti- 
tushun, pretty enough to eat without seasonin or sass 
The young ladies was very kind to me, volunteerin 
to pin my handbills onto the backs of their dresses. 
It was a surblime site to see over 300 young ladies 
goin round with a advertisement of A. Ward's on- 
paraleld show, conspickusly posted onto their 
dresses. 

They've got a Panick up this way and refooze t 
take Western money. It never was worth much 
and when western men, who know what it is, re 



•)N THE WING. 4:\ 

fooze to take their 'own money it is about time othei 
folks: stopt handlin it. Banks are bustin every day, 
goin up higher nor any balloon of which we hav any 
record. These western bankers air a sweet & luvlj' 
set of men. I wish I owned as good a house aa 
some of 'em would break into ! 
Virtoo is its own reward. 

A. Ward 



THE OCTOROON. 

It is with no ordernary feelins of Shagrin & 
indignashun that I rite you these here lines. Sum 
of the hiest and most purest feelins whitch actooate 
the bumin hart has bin trampt onto. The Amerjcan 
9ag has bin outrajed. Ive bin nussin a Adder in 
my Boozum. The fix in the kase is these here : 

A few weeks agro I lefk Baldinsville to go to N. Y. 
fur to git out my flamin yeller hanbills far the 
Summer kampane, & as I was peroosin a noospaper 
Dn the kars a middel aged man in speckterkuls kum 
& sot 'down beside onto me. He was drest in 
black close & was appeerently as fine a man as 
ever wag. 

" A fine day Sir," he did unto me strateway say. 

"Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kommit myself, 
«ho he peered to be as fine a man as there was in 



THE OCTOROON. 43 

the wurld — It is a middlin fine day Square,'' 1 
obsarved. 

Sez he, " How fares the Ship of State in yare 
regine of country ? " ' 

Sez I, " We don't hav no ships in our State • — 
the kanawl is our best holt." 

He paTVsed a minit and then sed, " Air yu aware, 
Sir that the krisis is with us ? " 

' No," sez I, getting up and lookin under the 
seet^ " whare is she? " 

" It's hear — it's everywhares," he sed. 
Sbz I, "Why how you tawk! " and I gut up 
agin & lookt all round. "I must say my fren," 1 
continnered, as I resoomed my seet, "that I kan't 
see nothin of no krisis myself" I felt sumwhat 
alarmed, & arose & in a stentowrian voice obsarved 
that if any "lady or gentleman in that there kar had 
a krisis consealed abowt their persons they'd better 
projuce it to onct or suffer the konsequences. 
Several individoouls snickered rite out, while a 
putty little damsell rite behind me in a pine gown 
made the observashun, " He, he." 



44 THE OCTOROON. 

" Sit down, mj fren," sed the man in black 
close, '* yu miskomprehend me. I meen that the 
perlittercal ellermunts are orecast with black klouds, 
4boden a friteful storm." 

"Wall," replide I, "in regard to perlittercal 
ellerfunts I don't know as how but what they is 
as good as enny other kind of ellerfunts. But I 
maik bold to say thay is all a ornery set & un- 
pleasant to hav round. They air powerful hevy 
eaters & take up a right smart chans of room, & 
besides thay air as ugly and revenjeful as a Cussca- 
roarus Injun, with 13 inches of corn whisky in his 
Btummick." The man in black close seemed to be 
as fine a man as ever was in the world. He smilt 
& sed praps I was rite, tho it vvas ellermunts instid 
of ellerfunts that he was alludin to, & axed me 
what was my prinserpuls ? 

" I haint gut enny," sed I — " not a prinserpul, 
Ime in the show biznis." The man in black close, 
I will hear obsarve, seemed to be as fine a man as 
ever was in the world. 

' But," sez he, " you hav feelins into yon ? You 



THE OCTOROOIV. 45 

eimpathi^e with trie misfortunit^ the lolj & the 
hart-sick, don't you ? " He bust into teers and axed 
me ef I saw that yung lady in the sect out yon- 
der, pintin to as slick a lookin gal as I ever seed. 

Sed I, "2 be share I see her — is she mutcn 
sick ? " The man in black close was appeerently 
as fine a man as ever was in the world ennywhares. 

" Draw closter to me," sed the man in black 
close. "Let me git my mowth fernenst yure ear. 
Hush — SHESE A Octoroon ! " 

" No ! " sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, 
" yu don't say so ! How long has she bin in that 
way?" • 

" Frum her arliest infancy," sed he. 

" Wall, whot upon arth duz she doo it fur? " T 
inquired. 

" She kan't help it," sed the man in black close 
" It's the brand of Kane." 

" Wall, she'd better stop drinkin Kane's brandy," 
f replide. 

" I sed the brand of Kane was upon her — not 
brandy, my fren. Yure very obtoose." 



46 THE OCTOROON. 

I was konsiderbul riled at this. Sez I, My 
gentle Sir Ime a nonresistanter as a ginral thing, & 
don't want to git up no rows with nobuddy, but I 
kin nevertheles kave in enny man's hed that calls 
me a obtoos," with whitch remarks I kommenst fur 
to pull orf my extry garmints. " Cum on," sez T 
— "Time! hear's the Beniki Boy fur ye!" & I 
cirnced round like a poppit. He riz up in his seet 
& axed my pardin — sed it ^as all a mistake — that 
I was a good man, etsettery, & sow 4th, & we fixt it 
all up pleasant. I must say the man in black close 
seamed to be as fine a man as ever lived in the 
wurld. He sed a Octoroon \jtas the 8th of a negro w, 
He likewise statid that the female he was travelin 
with was formurly a slave in Mississippy ; that 
she'd purchist her freedim & now wantid to pur- 
chiss the freedim of her poor old muther, who (the 
man in black close obsarved) was between 87 years 
of age & had to do all the cookin & washin for 25 
hired men whitch it was rapidly breakin down her 
konstitushun. He sed he knowed the minit lie 
gazed onto my klassic & beneverlunt fase that I'd 



,THE OCTOROON. 47 

donate librullj & axed me to go over & see her. 
which I accordinljdid. I sot down lieside her and 
sed "jure Sarvant, Marm ! How do yer git 
along?" 

She bust in 2 teers & said, " Sur, I'm so 
retchid- — I'm a poor unfortunit Octoroon." 

''So I larn. Yure rather more Roon than 
Octo, I take it," sed I, fur I never seed a puttier 
gal in the hull endoorin time of my life. She had 
on a More A.ntic Barsk & a Poplin Nubier with 
Berage trimmins onto it, while her Ise & kurls was 
enuff to make a man jump into a mill pond without 
biddin his relashuns good by. I pittid the Octoroon 
from the inmost recusses of my hart & bawled out 
50 dollers ker slap, & told her to buy her old 
muther as soon as posserbul. Sez she " kine sir 
mutch thanks." She then lade her bed over onto 
my showlder & sed I was " old rats." I was 
astonished to beer this obsarvation, which I knowd 
was never used in refined society & I peilitely but 
«mfattercly shovd her bed away. 

Sez I " Marm, I'm trooly sirprized." 



1- 



48 THE OCTOROON. 

Sez she, " git out. Yure the nicist oH man Iv€ 
Been yit. Give us anutlier 50 ! " Had a selec 
assortment of the most tremenjious thunderbolts 
descended down onto me I couldn't hav bin more 
takin aback. I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat 
tales & in a wild voise cride, " No, He never desart 
you — let us fli together to a furrin shoor ! " 

Sez I, "not mutch we wont," and I made a 
powerful effort to get awa from her. " This is 
plade out," I sed, whereupon she jerkt me back 
into the seet. " Leggo my coat, you scandalusa 
female," I roared, when she set up the most 
unarthly yellin and hollerin you ever heerd. , The 
oassinjers & the gentlemunly konducter rusht to 
the spot,& I don't think I ever experiunsed sich a 
rumpus in the hull coarse of my natral dase. The 
man in black close rusht up to me & sed " How 
dair yu insult my neece, you horey heded vagabone . 
You base exhibbiter of low wax figgers — yu woolf 
in sheep's close," & sow 4th. 

I was konfoozed. I was a loonytick fur the time 
bein, and offered -15 reward to enny gentleman of 




" Don't Spear me agin, if you please." [See Page 38.] 



THE OCTOROON. 49 

good morrul carracter who wood tell me whot my 
name was & what town I livd-into. The konductor 
kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood settle 
for ^50, which I immejitlj hawled out, & agane 
implored sumbuddj to state whare I was prinsipullj, 
& if I shood be thare a grate, while mjself ef 
things went on as they'd bin goin fur sum time 
back. I then axed if there was enny more Octo- 
roons present, "becawz," sez I, ''ef there is, let 
um cum along, fur Ime in the Octoroon bizniss." I 
then threw my spesterculs out of the winder, 
smasht my hat wildly down over my Ise, larfed 
highsterically & fell under a seet. I lay there sum 
time k fell asleep. I dreamt Mrs. Ward & the 
twins had bin carrid orf by Ryenosserhosses & that 
Baldinsville had bin captered by a army of Octo- 
roons. When I awoked the lamps was a burnin 
dimly. Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like 
pawpusses & the little damsell in the pine gown 
was a singin " Oft in the Silly nite." The on- 
prinsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black 
close was gone, & all of a suddent it flasht ore my 
brane that I'de bin swindild. 3 



EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR. 

In the Ortum of 18 — my frend,the editor of the 
Baldinsville Bugle, was obleged to leave perfeshernal 
dooties & go & dig his taters. & he axed me to edit 
for him doorin his absence. Accordinlj I ground 
up his Shears and commenced. It didn't take me a 
grate while to slash out copy enuif from the 
xchanges for one issoo, and I thawt I'd ride up to the 
next town on a little Jaunt, to rest my Branes which 
had bin severely rackt by my mental eiForts. (This 
is sorter Ironical.) So I went over to the Rale 
Rood offiss and axed the Sooprintendent for a pars. 

" Yoii a editor? " he axed, evijently on the pint 
of snickerin. 

" Yes Sir," sez I, " don't I look poor enuff ? " 

"Just about," sed he, " but our Road can't para 
you." 



EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR 51 

" Can't, hay ? " 

" No Sir — it can't." 

" Becauz," sez I, lookin him full in the face with 
a Eagle eye ' ' it goes so darned slow it can^t pa?^s 
anybody I ^"^ Methinks I had him thar. It's tho 
slowest Eale Road in the West. With a mortifi'ed 
air, he told me to git out of his offiss I pittid him 
and went. 



OBEELIN. 

About two years ago I arrove in Oberlin, Ohio, 
Oberlin is whare the celebrated college is. In fack, 
Oberlin is the college, everything else in that air 
vicinity resolvin around excloosivly for the benefit 
of that institution. It is a very good college, too, 
& a grate many wurthy yung men go there annooal- 
ly to git intellect into 'em. But its my onbiassed 
'pinion that they go it rather too strong on Ethio- 
pians at Oberlin. But that's nun of my bizness. 
I'm into the Show bizniss. Yit as a faithful histo- 
ran I must menshun the fack that on rainy dase 
white peple can't find their way threw the streets 
without the gas is lit, there bein such a numerosity 
of cullerd pussons in the town. 

As I was sayin, I arroved at Oberlin, and called 
on Perfesser Peck for the purpuss of skewerin Ko- 
lonial Hall to exhibit my wax works and boests of 



UBERLIN. 53 

Pray into. Kolonial Hall is in the college and is 
used by the stujents to speak peaces and read essays 
into. 

Sez Perfesser Peck, '' Mister Ward, I don't kno^ 
'bout this bizniss. What are your sentiments ? " 

Sez I, "I hain't got any." 

" Good God ! " cried the Perfesser, "did I un- 
derstan you to say you hav no sentiments? " 

" Nary a sentiment ! " sez I. 

" Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt 
that three million and a half of your culled breth- 
ren air a clankin their chains in the South? " 

Sez I, " not a bile ! Let 'em clank ! " 

He was about to continner his flowry speech when 
L put a stopper on him. Sez I, " Perfesser Peck, 
A. Ward is my name & Ameriky is my nashun ; 
I'm allers the same, tho' humble is my station, and 
I've bin in the show bizniss goin on 22 years. The 
pint is, can I hav your Hall by payin a fair price ? 
You air full of sentiments. That's your lay, while 
I'm a exhibitor of startlin curiosities. What^ d'ye 
say?" 



54 OBERLIN. 

" Mister Ward, you air endowed with ahily prac- 
tical mind, and while I deeply regret that you 
air devoid of sentiments, I'll let you hav the hall 
provided your exhibition is of a moral & elevatin 
nater." 

Sez I, " Tain't nothin shorter." 

So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded 
every nite with stujents, &c. Perfesser Finny gaz- 
ed for hours at my Kangaroo, but when that sa- 
gashus but onprincipled little cuss set up one of hig 
onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip him, 
the Perfesser objected. " Suffer not your angry 
pashuns to rise up at the poorannimil's little excen- 
trissities," said the Perfesser. 

" Do you call such conduck as I hose a little ex- 
centrissity ? " I axed. 

"I do," sed he, sayin which he walked up to the 
cage and sez he, " let's try moral swashun upon the 
poor creeter." So he put his hand upon the Kan- 
garoo's bed and sed, " poor little feller — poor lit- 
tle feller — your master is ve^.-y crooil, isn't he, my 
antootered frend," when the Kangaroo, with a ter- 



OBERLI.^. 55 

rific yell, grabd the Perfesser by the hand and cum 
very near chawin it orf. It was amoozin to see the 
Perfesser jump up and scream with pane. Sez I, 
" that's one of the poor little feller's excentrissi- 
tics ! " 

Sez he, " Mister Ward, that's a dangerous quad- 
ruped. He's totally depraved. I will retire and 
do my lasserated hand up in a rag, and meanwhile 
I request you to meat out summery and severe pun- 
ishment to the vishus beest. I hosswhipt the little 
cuss for upwards 15 minutes. Guess I licked sum 
of his excentrissity out of him; 

Oberlin is a grate plase. The College opens with 
a prayer and then the New York Tribune is read. 
A kolleckshun is then taken up to buy overkoats 
with red horn buttons onto them for the indignant 
cullured people of Kanady. I have to contribit lib- 
rally two the glowrius work, as they kawl it hear 
I'm kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front seeta 
in' my show for the culler ed peple. At the Boar din 
Mouse the cullered peple sit at the first table. 
What they leeve is maid into hash for the white pe- 



56 OBERLIN. 

pie. As I don't like the idee of eatin mj vittlea 
with Ethiopians, I sit at the seckind table, and the 
konsequence is I've devowered so much hash that m j 
inards is in a hiljr mixt up condishun. Fish bones 
hav maid their appearance all over my boddy and 
pertater peelins air a springin up through my hair 
Howsever I don't mind it. I'm gittin along well in 
a pecunery pint of view. The College has konfired 
upon me the honery title of T. K., of which I'm 
suffishuntly Drowd. 



THE SHOWMAN'S .OURTSHIP. 

Tliare was many affectin ties -which made me 

hanker arter Betsy Jane. Her father's farm jined 

our'n; their cows and our'n squencht their thurst at 

the same spring ; our old mares both had stars in 

their forrerds ; the measles broke out in both famer- 

lies at nearly the same period ; our parients (Betsy's 

and mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same 

meetin house, and the nabers used to obsarve, 

" How thick the Wards and Peasleys air ! " It 

was a surblime site, in the Spring of the year, to 

see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with 

their gowns pin'd up so thay could'nt sile 'em, 

'affecshunitly Bilin sope together & aboozin the 

nabers. 

■ Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my 
3* 



58 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 

affecslmns, I darsunt tell lier of the fires -wliicli was 
rajin in my manlj Buzzum. I'd try to do it but 
my tung would kerwollup up agin the roof of my 
mowth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast Afrikan 
or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart 
whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat 
Flale agin a barn floor. 

T'was a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was 
husht and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens.. 
I sot with Betsy Jane on the fense of her farther's 
pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods, kullin 
flours & drivin the woodchuck from his Nativ Lair 
(so to speak) with long sticks. Wall we sot thar on 
the fense, a swingin our feet two and fro, blushin as 
red as the Baldinsville skool house when it was fust 
painted, and lookin very simple, I make no doubt. 
My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on 
the fense, wh ile my rite was woundid luvinly round 
her waste. 

I cleared my throat und tremblinly sed, " Betsy 
vou're a Gazelle." 

1 thought that air was putty fine. T waitid t( 



THE SHOWMAN^S COURTSHIP. 59 

see wliat effeck it would liav upon her. It evident- 
ly didn't fetch her, for she up and sed, 

" You're a sheep ! " 

Sez Ij " Betsy, I think very muchly of you.' 

" I don't b'leeve a word you say — so there now 
cum!" with which obsarvashun she hitched away 
from me. 

" I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I 
" so that you could see some of my feelins. There's 
fire enuff in hene," sed I, strikin my buzzum with 
my fist, " to bile all the corn beef and turnips in 
the naberhood. Yersoovius and the Critter ain't a 
circumstans ! " 

She bowd her bed down and commenst chawin the 
strings to her sun bonnet. 

" Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry 
threw with on your account, how vittles has seized 
to be attractiv to me & how my lims has shrunk up, 
you would''nt dowt me. Gase on this wastin form 
and these 'ere sunken cheeks" — 

1 should have continnered on, in this strane 
probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost my 



60 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 

ballunse and fell over into the pastur ker smash 
tearin my close and seveerly damagin myself gine- 
rally. 

Betsj Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble 
quick time and dragged me 4th. Then drawin her- 
self up to her full hite she sed : 

"I won't listen to your noncents no longer. 
Jes say rite strate out what you're drivin at. If 
you mean gettin hitched, I'm in ! " 

I considered that air enuff for all practicul pur- 
pusses, and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, 
& was made 1 that very nite. 

(Notiss to the Printer : Put some stars here.) 

Ji, jt. .it -ifc -ii- -— — ^Jt — '4fc — - - 

T^ TT T?" TV ^?" TT TV 

I've parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, 
but Betsy Jane has bin troo as steel. By attendin 
strickly to bizniss I've araarsed a handsum Pittance. 
No man on this foot-stool can rise & git up & say I 
ev3r knowinly injered no man or wimmin folks, 
while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few and 
exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful 
colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in 



THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP 61 

grate profushun, a endliss variety of life-size wax 
figgers, & the only traned kangaroo in Ameriky — 
the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to a 
discriminatin public. 




»NE OF THE Bkoadway " Seven Sisteks." [See Page 206.] 



TEE CRISIS. 

[This Oration was delivered before the commencement of the 
War.] 

On returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville, In- 
jiannj, resuntly, mj feller sittercens extended a in- 
vite for me to norate to 'em on the Krysis. I ex- 
cepted & on larst Toosday nite I peared be4 a C of 
upturned faces in the Red Skool House. I spoke 
nearly as follers : 

Baldinsvillins : Hearto4,as I hav numerously ob- 
sarved, I have abstrained from having any senti- 
munts or principles, my poller tics, like my religion 
bein of a exceedin accommodatin character, Bu^ 
the fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis h 
onto us, & I feel it's my dooty to accept your invite 
for one consecutive nite only. I spose the inflam 
mertory individooals who assisted in producing this 
Krysis know what good she will do, but I ain't 



THE CRISIS. 63 

'shamed to state that I don't, scacelj. But the 
Krysis is hear. She's bin hear for sevral weeks, & 
goodness nose how long she'll stay. But I venter 
to assert that she's rippin things. She's knockt 
trade into a cockt up hat and chaned Bizness of all 
kinds tighter nor I ever chaned any of my livin 
wild Beests. Alow me to hear dygress & stait that 
my Beests at presnt is as harmless as the new-born 
Babe. Ladys & gentlemen needn't hav no fears on 
that pint. To resoom — Altho I can't exactly see 
what good this Krysis can do, I can very quick say 
what the origernal cawz of her is. The origernal 
cawz is Our Afrikah Brother. I was into Barnim's 
Moozeum down to New York the other day & saw 
that exsentric Etheopian, the What Is It. Sez I, 
" Mister What Is It, you folks air raisin thunder with 
this grate country. You're gettin to be ruther more 
numeris than interestin. It is a pity you coodent go 
orf sumwhares by yourselves, & be a nation of What 
Is Itsj tho' if you'll excoose me, I shooden't care 
about marryin among you. Nodowt you're exceed- 
in charmin to hum, but your stile of luvliness isn't 



64 THE CRISIS. 

adapted to this cold climit. He larfed into my face 
which rather Riled me, as I had been perfectly vir- 
toous and respectable in my observashuns. So sez I, 
turnin a leetle red in the face I spect, " Do you hav 
the unblushin impoodents to say you folks haven't 
raised a big mess of thunder in this brite land, Mister 
What Is It ? " He larfed agin, wusser nor be4, 
whareuponl up and sez, " Go home, Sir, to Afriky'3 
burnin shores & taik all the other What Is Its along 
with you. Don't think we can't spair your interest- 
in picters. You What Is Its air on the pint of 
smash in up the gratest Guv'ment ever erected by 
man, & you actooally hav the owdassity to larf about 
it. Go home, you low cuss ! " 

I was workt up to a high pitch, & I proceeded to a 
Restorator & cooled orf with some little fishes biled 
in ile — I b'leeve thay call 'era sardeens. 

Feller ,. Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Our 
Brother. Sevral hily fespectyble gentlemen, and 
sum talentid females tell us so, & fur argyment' 
sake I mite be injooced to grant it, tho' I don't be- 
leeve it myself. But the Afrikan isn't our sister & 



THE CRISIS. 



our wife & our uncle. He isn't sevral of our brofti- 
ers & all our fust wife's relashuns. He isn't our 
grandfather, and our grate grandfather,and our Aunt 
in the country. Scacelj. & yit numeris persona 
would have us think so. It's troo he runs Congress 
& sevral other public grosserys, but then he ain't 
everybody & everybody else likewise. [Notiss to 
bizness man of Vanity Fair : Extry charg fur 
this larst remark. It's a goak. — A. W.] 

But we've got the Afrikan, or ruther he's got us, 
& now what air we going to do about it ? He's a 
orful noosanse. Praps he isn't to blame fur it. 
Praps he was creatid fur sum wise purpuss, like the 
measles and New Englan Rum, but it's mity hard 
to see it. At any rate he's no good here, & as I 
statid to Mister Wliat Is It, it's a pity he cooden't 
go orf sumwhares quietly by hisself, whare he cood 
vear red weskits & speckled neckties, & gratterfy 
his ambishun in varis interestin wase, without havin 
a eternal fuss kickt up about him. 

Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon CufFj 
Cum to think on it, I am. He wooden't be sich a 



66 THE CRISIS. 

infernal noosanseif white peple ■wouU let him alone. 
He mite indeed be interestin. And now I think of 
it, why can't the white peple let him alone. What'a 
the good of continnerlj stirrin him up with a ten- 
foot pole ? He isn't the sweetest kind of Perfoom- 
ery when in a natral stait. 

Feller Sitterzens, the Union's in danger. The 
black devil Disunion is troolj here, starein us all 
squarely in the face ! We must drive him back. 
Shall we make a 2nd Mexico of ourselves ? Shall 
we sell our birthrite for a mess of potash ? Shall 
one brother put the knife to the throat of anuther 
brother? Shall we mix our whisky with each 
others' blud ? Shall the star spangled Banner be 
cut up into dishcloths ? Standin here in this here 
Skoolhouse, upon my nativ shore so to speak, I an- 
ler — Nary ! 

Oh you fellers who air raisin this row, & who in 
^he fust place startid it, I'm 'shamed of you. The 
Showman blushes for you, from his boots to the top- 
most hair upon his wenerable hed. 

Feller Sitterzens, I am in the Slieer & Yeller 



THE CRISIS. 67 

leaf. I shall peg out 1 of these dase. But while I da 
stop here I shall stay in the Union. I know not 
what the supervizers of Baldinsville maj conclude to 
do, but for one, I shall stand hj the Stars & Stripes. 
Under no circumstances whatsomever will I sesesh. 
Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let Palmetter 
flags flote thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close 
linCj still will I stick to the good old flag. The 
country may go to the devil, but I won't ! And next 
Summer when I start out on my campane with my 
Show, wharever I pitch my little tent, you shall see 
floatin prowdly from the center pole thereof the 
Amerikan Flag, with nary a star wiped out, nary a 
stripe less, but the same old flag that has allers dot id 
thar ! & the price of admishun will be the same it 
allers was — 15 cents, children half price. 

Feller Sitterzens, I am dun. Accordinly I squat* 



WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE, 
Onto the wing J 859. 

Ma. Editor ; 

I take mj Pen in hand to inform yu that I'm in 
good helth and trust these few lines will find yu in- 
jojin the same blessins. I wood also state that I'm 
now on the summir kampane. As the Poit sez — 

ime erflote, ime eiflote 

On the Swift rollin tied 

Au the Rovir is free. 

Bizness is scacelj middlin, but Sirs I manige to 
pay for my foode and raiment puncktooally and with- 
out no grumblin. The barked arrers of slandur has 
bin leviled at the undersined moren onct sins heze 
bin into the show bizness, but I make bold to say no 
man on this footstule kan troothfully say I ever 
ronged him or eny of his folks. I'm travelin with 
a ter.t, which is better nor hirin hauls. My show 
konsists of a serious of wax works, snakes, a pan- 



WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. 69 

Bramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of the War in 
the Crymear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which 
larst little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the 
most outrajus stile. I started out with the idear of 
makin my show a grate Moral Entertainment, but 
I'm kompeled to sware so much at that air infurnal 
Kano-eroo tliat I'm frade this desine will be flustrat- 
id to some extent. And while speakin of morrality, 
remines me that sum folks turn up their nosis at 
shows like mine, sayin they is low and not fit to be 
patrernized by peple of high degree. Sirs, I mane- 
tane that this is infernul nonsense. I manetane that 
wax figgers is more elevatin than awl the plays ever 
wroten. Take Shakespeer for instunse. Peple 
think heze grate things, but I kontend heze quite 
the reverse to the konrtary. What sort of sense is 
thare to King Leer who goze round cussin his dar- 
ters, chawin hay and throin straw at folks, and larf- 
in like a silly old koot and makin a ass of hisself 
ginerally? Thare's Mrs. Mackbeth — sheze a nise 
kind of woomon to have round aint she, a puttin 
old Mack, her husband, up to slayin Dunkan with a 



To WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. 

cheeze knife, while heze payin a frendly visit to theii 
house. its hilj morral, I spoze, when she larfs 
wildly and sez, "gin me the daggurs — He let hig 
bowels out," or wurds to that cffeck — I say, this ia 
awl strickly propper I spoze ? That Jack Fawl- 
Btarf is likewise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye 
may, and Hamlick is as crazy as a loon. Thare's 
Richurd the Three peple think heze grate things, but 
I look upon him in the lite of a monkster. He kills 
everybody he takes a noshun to in kold blud, and 
then goze to sleep in his tent. Bimeby he wakes up 
and yells for a boss so he kan go orf and kill sura 
more peple. If he isent a fit spesserman for the 
gallers then I shood like to know whare you find um. 
Thare's largo who is more emery nor pizun. See 
how shamful he treated that hily respecterble injun 
gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him fortobeleeve 
his wife was two thick with Casheo. Obsarve how 
largo got Casheo drunk as a biled owl on corn 
whisky in ordei* to karry out his sneekin desines. 
See how he wurks Mister Otheller's feelins up so that 
he goze and makes poor Desdemony swaller a piller 



Wax figures vs. shakspeare, 7i 

vrhich cawses her deth. But I must stop. At sum 
fiitur time I shall continner my remarks on the 
dramer in which I shall show the varst supeeriority 
of wax figgers and snakes over theater plays, in a in 
terlectooal pint of view. 

Very Respectively yures, 

A. Ward, T. K, 



AMONG THE FKEE LOVERS.* 

Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled 
my banner to the breeze, in Berlin Hites, Ohio. I 
had hearn that Berlin Hites was ockepied by a 
extensive seek called Free Lovers, who beleeved in 
affinertys and sich, goin back on their domestic ties 
without no hesitation whatsomever. They was like- 
wise spirit rappers and high presher reformers on 
gineral principles. If I can improve these . 'ere 
misgided peple hj showin them my onparalleld show 
at the usual low price of admitants, methunk, I 
shall not hav lived in vane ! But bitterly did I 
cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid place. I 
sot up my tent in a field near the Love Cure, as 
they called it, and bimeby the free lovers begun for 

* Some queer people, calling themselves " Free Lovers," and 
cossessing very original ideas about life and morality, established 
themselves at Berlin Heights, in Ohio, a few years since. Public 
opinion was resistlessly against them, however, and the associat^n 
was soon disbanded. 




"Shall the Star Spanolbt Banner be cut up ikto dish 
0LOTH3?" [See Page 66.] 



» AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 13 

to congregate around the door. A ornreer set I have 
hever sawn. The men's faces was all covered with 
hare and thej lookt half-starved to deth. They 
didn't wear no weskuts. for the purpuss (as they 
sed) of alio win the free air of hevun to blow onto 
their boozums. Their pockets was filled with tracks 
and pamplits and thej was bare-footed. They sed 
the Postles didn't wear boots, & why should they ? 
That was their stile of argyment. The wimin was 
wuss than the men. They wore trowsis, short 
gownds, straw hats with green ribbins, and all 
carried bloo cotton umbrellers. 

Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female pre- 
sented herself at the door. Her gownd was skan- 
derlusly short and her trowsis was shameful to 
behold. 

She eyed me over very sharp, and then startin 
back she sed, in a wild voice : 

" Ah, can it be ? " 

''Which?" sed I. 

" Yes,, 'tis trov), 'tis troo ! " 

" 15 cents, marm," I anserd. 



74 AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 

She bust out a cryin & sed : 

*• And so I hav found jou at larst — at la'-st, 
at larst ! " 

"Yes," I anserd, "you have found me at larst, 
and you would have found me at fust, if you had 
cum sooner." 

She grabd me vilently by the coat collar, and 
brandishin her umbreller \yildly round, exclaimed : 

" Air you a man ? " 

Sez I, " I think I air, but if you doubt it, you 
can address Mrs. A. Ward, Baldinsville, Injianny, 
postage pade, & she will probly giv you the desired 
informashun." 

" Then thou ist what' the cold world calls 
marrid?" 

" Madam, I istest ! " 

The exsentric female then clutched me franticly 
by the arm and hoUerd : 
/ " You air mine, you air mine ! " 
/ " Scacely," I sed, endeverin to git loose from her. 
But she clung to me and sed : 

" Tou air my Affinerty ! " 



AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. . ■ 75 

" What upon arth is that ? " I shouted. 

" Dost thou not know ? " 

" No, I dostent ! " 

" Listin man, & I'll tell ye ! ' sed the strange 
female ; " for years I hav yearned for thee. ] 
knowd thou wast in the world, sumwhares, tho I 
didn't know whare. My hart sed he would cum 
and I took courage. He has cum — he's here — 
you air him — you air my Affinerty ! 'tis too 
mutch ! too mutch ! " and she sobbed agin. 

" Yes," I anserd, " I think it i& a darn site tor 
mutch ] " 

" Hast thou not yearned for me ? " she yelled, 
ringin her hands like a female play acter. 

" Not a yearn ! " I bellerd at the top of my 
voice, throwin her away from me. 

The free lovers who was standin round obsarvm 
the scene commenst for to holler " shame ! " 
"beast," etsettery, etsettery. 

I was very mutch riled, and fortifyin myself 
with a spare tent stake, I addrest them as follers ■ 
" You pussylanermus critters, go way from me and 



76 AMONti THE FREE LOVERS 

ta1\e this retchid woman "with you. I'm a law- 
abidin man, and bleeve in good, old-fashioned insti- 
tutions. I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble me 
if I am a showman ! I thinV your Affinity biznisa 
is cussed noncents, besides ^oin outrajusly wicked. 
Why don't you behave desun!; like other folks? Go 
to work and earn a honist 1 vin and not stay round 
here in this lazy, shiftless way, pizenin the moral 
atmosphere with your pestifroaa id-^es ! You wimin 
folks go back to your lawful husbands if you've got 
any, and take orf them skanderlous gownds and 
trowsis, and dress respectful like other wimin. You 
men folks, cut orf them pirattercal whiskers^ burn 
up them infurnel pamplits, put sum weskuts on, go 
to work choppin wood, splittin fence rales, or tillin 
the sile. I pored 4th my indignashun in this way 
till I got out of breth, when I stopt. I shant go to 
Berlin Ilites agin, not if I live to be as old as Me- 
fchooseler. 



SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURGH. 

Hear in the Buzzum of my famerly I am enjoym 
myself, at peas with awl mankind and the wimmin 
folks likewize. I go down to the village ockashuiily 
and take a little old Rye fur the stummuck'ssake, 
but I avoyd spiritus lickers as a ginral thing. No 
man evir seen me intossikated but onct,and that air 
happind in Pittsburg. A parsel of ornery cusses in 
that luvly sity bustid inter the hawl durin the nite 
ind aboosed my wax works shaimful. I didnt ob- 
Barve the outrajus transacshuns ontil the next evening 
when the peple begun for to kongregate. Suddinly 
thay kommensed fur to larf and holler in a boyster- 
ious stile. Sez I good peple wha'tsup? Sez thay 
them's grate wax wurks, isn't they, old man. I imme- 
jiily looked up ter whare the wax works was and 
my blud biles as I think of the site which then met 



. 18 SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURGH. 

my Gnse. I hope two be dorlrabbertid if tbem 
afoursed raskals hadent gone and put a old kaved in 
hat onter George Washington's hed and shuved a 
short black klay pipe inter his mouth. His noze 
thay had painted red and his trowsis legs thay had 
shuvd inside his butes. My wax figger of Na- 
poleon Boneypart was likewise mawltreatid. His 
sword wus danglin tween his legs, his cockd hat was 
drawn klean down over his ize,and he was plased in 
a stoopin posishun lookin zactly as tho he was as 
drunk as a biled owl. Ginral Taylor was a standin 
on his hed and Wingfield Skott's koat tales ware 
pind over his hed and his trowsis ware komplectly 
torn orf frum hisself. My wax works representin the 
Lord's Last Supper was likewise aboozed. Three 
of the Postles ware under the table and two of um 
had on old tarpawlin hats and raggid pee jackits 
and ware smokin pipes. Judus Iskarriot had on a 
cocked hat and was appeerently drinkin, as a Bottle 
of whisky set befour him. This ere specktercal 
was too much fur me. I klosed the show and then 
drowndid my sorrers in the flowin Bole 



A VISIT rO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 

It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well, 
remember, since I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, 
the Brite land of Jold. While crossin the Planes 
all so bold I fell in with sum noble red men of the 
forest (N. B. This is rote Sarcasticul. Injins is 
Pizin, whar ever found,) which thay Sed I was their 
Brother, & wantid for to smoke the Calomel of 
Peace with me. Thay then stole my jerkt beef, 
blankits, etsettery, skalpt my orgin grinder & scoot- 
ed with a Wild Hoop. Durin the Cheaf 's techin 
speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Hunt- 
in Grounds. If he duz thare will be a fite. But 
enuff of this ere. Rev en Noose Muttons, as our 
skoolmaater, who has got Talent into him, cussy- 
oally obsarve. 

I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time. At Uamp 
Scott there was a lot of IX. S. sojers. hosstensibly 



80 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 

Bent out thare to smash the mormons but really to 
eat Salt vittles & play poker & other beautiful but 
sumwhat onsartin games. I got acquainted with sum 
of the officers. Thay lookt putty scrumpshus in 
their Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware 
very talented drinkers, but so fur as jBtin is consarn- 
ed I'd willingly put my wax figgers agin the hull 
party. 

My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt 
Lake City, so I called on Brigham Yung, the grate 
mogull amung the mormins, and axed his permishun 
to pitch my tent and onfurl my banner to the jentle 
breezis. He lookt at me in a austeer manner for a 
few minits,and sed : 

" Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul, the im- 
maculateness of the Mormin Church and the Latter- 
day Revelashuns ? " 

Sez I, " I'm on it ! '' I make it a pint to git 
along plesunt, tho I didn't know what under the Sou 
the old feller was drivin at. He sed I mite show. 

" You air a marrid man, Mister Yung. I bleeve ? *' 
gez I, preparin to rite him sum free parsis. 



A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG 8] 

" I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward. I sertinly 
am marrid." 

" How do you like it as far as you hev got ? " 
sed I. 

He sed " middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like 
to see his famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't 
mind minglin with the fair Seek & Barskin in the 
winnin smiles of his interestin wives. He accord- 
ingly tuk me to his Scareum. The house is power- 
ful big & in a exceedin large room was his wives & 
children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin enufl 
to take the roof rite orf the house. The wimin 
was of all sizes and ages. Sum was pretty & sum 
was plane — sum was helthy and sum was on the 
Wayne — which is verses, tho sich was not my in- 
tentions, as 1 don't 'prove of puttin verses in Froze 
rittins, tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a Poim 
ekal to any of them Atlantic Munthly fellers. 

"My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung. 

"Your sarvant, marms," sed I; as I sot down in 

cheer which a red-heded female brawt me. 

" Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward,' 
4* 



82 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNQ 

Bed Yung, " I hav eighty more in varis parts 3f thia 
consecrated land vrhich air Sealed to me." 

" Which ? " sez I, gittin up & starin at him. 

" Sealed, Sir ! sealed." 

" Whare bowts ? " sez I. 

" I sed, Sir, that they was sealed ! " He spoke 
in a traggerdj voice. 

" Will they probly continner on in that stile to 
any grate extent, Sir? " I axed. 

" Sir," sed he furnin as red as a biled beet, 
" don't you know that the rules of our Church is 
that I, the Profit, may hev as meny wives as I 
wants ? " 

" Jes so," I sed. " You are old pie, ain't you ? " 

" Them as is Sealed to me — that is to say, to be 
mine when I wants um — air at present my sperret- 
ooul wives," sed Mister Yung. 

" Long may thay wave ! " sez I, seein I shood git 
into a scrape ef I didn't look out. 

In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt 
the Hjllerin fax : It takes him six weeks to kiss hia 
wives. He don't do it jnly onct a yere & sez it is 



A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 85 

WUS3 nor cleanin house. He don't pretend to know 
his children, thare is so many of um, tho they all 
know him. He sez about every child he meats call 
him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so. H'a 
wives air very expensiv. Thay allers want suthin 
& ef he don't buy it for um thay set the house in a 
uproar. He sez he don't have a minit's peace. His 
wives ,fite amung theirselves so much that he has 
bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too 
of 'em get into a row he has em turnd loose into 
that place, whare the dispoot is settled accordin to 
the rules of the London prize, ring. Sumtimes thay 
abooz hisself individooally. Thay hev pulled the 
most of his hair out at the roots & he wares meny 
a honible scar upon his body, inflicted with mop- 
handles, broom-sticks and sich. Occashunly they 
git mad & scald him with bilin hot water. When 
/)e got.eny waze cranky thay'd shut him up in a 
dark closit, previsly whippiu him arter the stile of 
muthers when thare orfsprings git onruly. Sum- 
times when he went in swimmin thay'd go to the 
banks of the Lake & steal all his close, thereby com- 



84 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 

pellin him to sneek home by a sircootius rowt, drest 
in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv. "] 
find that the Keers of a marrid life way hevy onto 
mo," sed the Profit, " & sumtimes I wish I'd re- 
maned sino-el." I left the Profit and startid for the 
tavern whare I put up to. On my way I was over- 
tuk by a lurge krowd of Mormons, which they sur- 
roundid me & statid that they were goin into the 
Show free. 

" Wall," sez I, " ef I find a individooal who is 
goin round lettin folks into his show free, I'll let 
you know." 

"We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A, 
Ward's Show without payin nothin ! " thay showtid. 

"Tes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, 
oeasin me by the cote tales & swingin me round very 
rapid, "we're all goin in free! So sez the Reve- 
lashun ! " 

" What's Old Revelashun got to do with m^ 
Bhow?" sez I, gittin putty rily. "Tell Mister 
Revelashun," sed I, drawin myself up to my full 
bite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a 



A VISIT TO BRIG HAM YOUNG. 85 

prowd & defiant mean,--'' tell Mister Revelaslmn to 
mind his own bizness, subject only to the Konstitu- 
Bhun of the Unitid States! " 

" Oh now let us in, that's a sweet man," sed sev- 
eral femails, puttin thare arms rownd me in luvin 
stile. " Becum 1 of us Becum a Freest & hav 
wives Sealed to you." 

" Not a Seal ! " sez I, startin back in horror a J 
the idee. 

" Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tall, gawnt femaile. 
ore whoos hed 37 summirs must hev parsd, " stay^ 
& I'll be your Jentle Gazelle." 

"Not ef I know it, you won't," sez I. " Awa 
you skanderlus femaile, awa ! Go & be a Nun- 
nery ! " That's what I sed, jes so. 

" & I," sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev 
wade more than too hundred lbs., "I will be your 
Bweet gidin Star ! " 

Sez I, " He bet two dollers and a half you 
won't ! " Whare ear I may Rome lie still be tioo 
2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane ! [N. B Betsy Jane is my 
wife's Sir naime.] 



86 A VISIT TU BRIGHAM YOUNG. 

" Wiltist thou not tarry hear in the Promist 
Land?" sed several of the miserabil critters. 

" He see you all essenshally cussed be 4 1 wiltist ! '' 
roared I, as mad as, I cood be at thare infernul non- 
cents. I girdid up my Lions & fled the Seen. I 
packt up my duds & left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd 
Soddum & Germorrer, inhabitid by as theavin & 
onprinoipled a set of retchis as ever drew Bxeth in 
eny spot on the Globe. 



THE CENSUS. 

The Sences taker in our town bein taken sick he 
deppertised me to go out for him one day, and as he 
was too ill to giv me informashun how to perceed, I 
was consekently compelled to go it blind. Sittir 
down by the road side I drawd up the follerin list of 
questions which I proposed to ax the peple I vis- 
ited : 

Wat's your age ? 

Whar was you born ? 

Air yon marrid, and if so how do you like it ? 

How many children hav you, and do they suffi- 
ciently resemble you as to proclood the possibility of 
their belongin to any of your nabers ? 

Did you ever hav the measels, and if so how 
many ? 

Hav you a twin brother several years older than 
yourself ? 



88 THE CENSUS. 

How many parents hav you ? 

Do you read Watt's Hims regler? 

Do you use boughten tobacker ? 

Wat's your fitin wate ? 

Air you trubeld with biles ? 

How does your meresham culler ? 

State whether you air blind, deaf, idiotic or got 
the heaves ? 

Do you know any Opry singers, and if so how 
-much do they owe you ? 

What's the average of virtoo on the Ery Ca- 
nawl? 

If 4 barrils of Emptins pored onto a barn floor 
will kiver it how many plase can Dion Boureicault 
write in a year ? 

Is Beans a regler article of diet in your family? 

How many chickins hav you, en foot and in the 
shell? 

Air you aware that Injianny whisky is used in 
New York shootin galrys instid of pistils, and that i 
ghoots furthest ? 

Was you ever at Niagry Falls ? 



THE CENSUS. 89 

Was you ever in the Penitentiary ? 

State how much pork, impendin crjsis, Dutch 
cheeze, popler suvrinty, standard poetry, childrena' 
strainer's, slave code, catnip, red flannel, ancient 
histry, pickled tomaters, old junk, perfoomery, coal 
ile, liberty, hoop skirt, &c., you hav on hand? 

But it didn't work. I got into a row at the fust 
house I stopt to, with some old maids. Disbelieven 
the ansers they giv in regard to their ages I en- 
deVered to open their mouths and look at their teeth, 
same as they do with bosses, but they floo into a vi- 
lent rage and tackled me with brooms and sich. 
Takin the senses requires experiunee, like any othei 
bizniss. 



AN HONEST LIVING. 

I was on my way from the mines to San Fran- 
cisco, with a light puss and a hevy hart. You'i 
scarcely hav recognized my fair form, so kiverd was 
I with dust. Bimeby I met Old Poodles, tJie all- 
firdist gambler in the country. He was afoot and in 
his shirt sleeves, and was in a wuss larther nor any 
race boss I ever saw. 

"Whither goist thow, sweet nimp?" sez I, in a 
play-actin tone. 

" To the mines, Sir," he unto me did say," to the 
mines, to earn an honest Uvitiy 

Thinks I that air aint very cool, I guess, and 
druv on. 



THE PSE8S. 

I want the editers to cum k) mj Sliow free as the 
flours of May, but I don't want um to ride a free 
hoss to deth. Thare is times when Patience seizes 
tD be virtoous. I hev " in my mind's eye, Hur- 
rashio" (cotashun from Hamlick) sum editers in a 
sertin town which shall be nameless, who air Both 
sneakin and ornery. They cum in krowds to my 
Show and then axt me ten sents a lines for Puffs. 
I objectid to payin, but they sed ef I didn't down 
with the dust thay'd wipe my Show from the face of 
the earth ! Thay sed the Press was the Arkyme- 
dian Leaver which moved the wurld. I put up to 
their extorshuns until thay'd bled me so I was a 
meer shad der, and left in disgust. 

It was in a surtin town in Virginny, the Muthet 
of Presidents & things, that I was shaimfully 



92 THE PRESS, 

aboozed bj a editor in human form. He se^ m;y 
Show up steep & kalled me the urbane & gentle- 
munly manajer, but ■when I, fur the purpuss of 
showin fair play all around, went to anuther oflfisa 
to git my handbills printed, what duz this pussilla- 
nermus editer do but change his toon & abooze me 
like a Injun. He sed-my wax wurks was a humbug 
& called me a horey-heded itinerent vagabone. I 
thort at fust Ide pollish him orf ar-lar the Beneki 
Boy, but on reflectin that he cood pollish me much 
wuss in his paper, I giv it up. & I wood here take 
occashun to advise peple when thay run agin, as thay 
sumtimes will, these miserable papers, to not pay nc 
attenshun to um. Abuv all, don't assault a editer 
of this kind. It only gives him a notorosity, which 
is jest what he wants, & don't do you no more good 
than it wood to jump into enny other mud puddle. 
Editers are generally fine men, but there must ba 
black sheep in every flock. 



EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 

Durin a recent visit to New York the undersined 
pent to see Edwin Forrest. As I'm into the moral 
show bizness myself, IginralljgotoBarnum's moral- 
Museum, where only moral peple air admitted, par- 
ticHy on Wednesday arter noons. But this time I 
thot I'd go & see Ed. Ed has bin actin out on the 
stage for many years. There is varis 'pinions about 
his actin, Englishmen ginrally bleevin that he is far 
superior to Mister Macready ; but on one pint all 
agree, & that is that Ed draws like a six ox team. 
Ed was actin at Niblo's Garding, which looks con- 
siderable more like a parster than a garding, but let 
that pars. I sot down in the pit, took out my spec- 
tacles & commenced peroosin the evenin's bill. The 
awjince was all-fired large & the boxes was full of 
the elitty of New York. Sevral opery glasses waa 
leveld at me by Gothum's fairest darters, but 1 



94 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 

didn't let on as tlio I noticed it, tho mebbj I did take 
out my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it 
round more than was necessary. But the best of 
us has our weaknesses & if a man has gewelry let 
him show it. As I was peroosin the bill a grave 
young man who sot near me, axed me if I'd ever 
seen Forrest dance the Essence of Old Virginny ?'' 
" He's immense in that," sed the young man. " He 
also does a fair champion jig," the young man con- 
tinnerd," buthis Big Thing is the Essence of Old 
Virginny." Sez I, " Fair youth, do you know 
what I'd do with you if you was my sun? " 

" No," sez he. 

" Wall," sez I, " I'd appint your funeral to- 
morrow arternoon & the korps should be ready ! 
You're too smart to live on this yeartli." He didn't 
try any more of his capers on me^ But an- 
other pussy lanermuss individooul, in a red vest & 
patent lether boots, told me his name was Bill Astor 
k axed me to lend him 50 cents till early in the 
mornin. I told him I'd probly send it round to him 
before he retired to his virtoous couch, but if I 



EDWm FORREST AS OTHELLO. 95 

didn't lie might look for it next fall, as soon as I cut 
my corn. The Orchestry was now fiddling with all 
their might, & as the peple didn't understan any- 
thing about it they applaudid versifrussly. Present- 
ly, Old Ed cum out. The play was Otheller or 
More of Veniss. Otheller was writ by Wm. Shaks- 
peer. The scene is laid in Veniss. Otheller was a 
likely man & was a ginral in the Veniss army. He 
eloped with Desdemony, a darter of the Hon. Mis- 
ter Brabantio, who represented one of the back dis- 
tricks in theVeneshun legislator. Old Brabantio 
was as mad as thunder at this & tore round consid- 
erable, but finally cooled down, tellin Otheller, how- 
sever, that Desdemony had come it over her Par, & 
that he had better look out or she'd come it over him 
likewise. Mr. & Mrs. Otheller git aloeg very com- 
fortable like for a spell. She is sweet-tempered and 
luvin — a nice, sensible female, never goin in for 
he-female conventions, green cotton umbrellers and 
pickled beats. Otheller is a good provider and 
tbinks all the world of his wife. She has a lazy 
time of it, the hired girl doin all the cookin and 



96 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO 

wasliin. Desdemonj, in fact, don't hav to git the 
water to wash her own hands with. But a low cuss 
named lago, who I hleeve wants to git Otheller out 
of his snug government hirth, now goes to work & 
upsets the Otheller family in the most outrajua 
Btile. lago falls in with a braneless youth named 
Roderigo & wins all his money at poker. (lago al- 
iers played foul.) He thus got money enuff to carry 
out his onprincipled skeem. Mike Cassio, a Irish 
man, is selected as a tool by lago. Mike was a clever 
feller & orficer in Otheller's army. He liked his 
tods too well, howsever, & they floored him, as the;y 
have many other promisin young men. lago in- 
juces Mike to drink with him, lago slyly throwin 
his whisky over his shoulder. Mike gits as drunk 
as a biled owl & allows that he can lick a yard full 
of the Yeneshun fancy before breakfast, without 
sweatin a hair. He meets Roderigo & proceeds for 
tc smash him. A feller named Montano undertakes 
to slap Cassio, when that infatooated person runs his 
Bword into him. That miserble man, lago, pretents 
U) be very sorry to see Mike wnduck hisself in this 







" Oh stay. Sir, stay !" sed a tall gawnt femail. [See 
Page 85.]j 



EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO 97 

way, & undertakes to smooth, the thing over to 
Otheller, who rushes in with a drawn sword & wants 
to know what's up. lago cunninly tells his story, 
& Otheller tells Mike that he thinks a good deal of 
him but he can't train no more in his regiment. Desde- 
mony sympathises with poor Mike & interceeds for him^ 
with Otheller. lago makes him bleeve she does this 
because she thinks more of Mike than she does- of 
hisself. Otheller swallers lago's lyin tail & goes 
to makin a noosence of hisself ginrally. He wor- 
ries poor Desdemony terrible by his vile insinua- 
tions & finally smothers her to deth with a piller. 
Mrs. lago cums in just as Otheller has finish<)d the 
foAvl deed & givs him fits right & left, showin him 
that he has bin orfully gulled by her miserble cuss 
of a hasband. lago cums in, & iiis wife com- 
mences rakin him auwn also, when he stabs her. 
Otheller jaws him a spell & then cuts a small hole 
in his stummick with his 3word. lago pints to Des- 
demony's deth bed & goes orf with a sardonic smile 
onto his countenance. Otheller tells the peple that he 
has dun the state sum service & they know it ; axes 



98 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 

them to do as fair a thing as they can for him un- 
der the circumstances, & kills hisself with a fish- 
knife, which is the most sensible thing he can do. 
This is a breef skedule of the synopsis of the play. 

Edwin Forrest is a grate acter. I thot I saw 
Otheller before me all the time he was actin, & when 
the curtin fell, I found my spectacles was still mis- 
tened with salt-water, which had run from my eyes 
while poor Desdemony was dyin. Betsy Jane — 
Betsy Jane ! let us pray that our domestic bliss may 
never be busted up by a lago ! 

Edwin Forrest makes money actin out on the 
stage. He gits five-hundred dollars a nite & his 
board & washin. I wish I had such a Forrest in my 
Garding ! 



THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LEC- 
TURES* 

I feel that the Show Bizniss, which Jve stroven 
to ornjment, is bein usurpt bj Poplar Lecturs, aa 
thaj air kalled, tho in my pinion thay air poplar 
humbugs. Individoouls. who git hard up, embark 
in the lecturin biznis. Thay cram theirselves with 
hi soundin frazis, frizzle up their hare, git trustid 
for a soot of black close & cum out to lectur at 50 
dollers a pop. Thay aint over stockt with branes, 
but thay hav brass enujBF to make suflSshunt kittles 
to bile all the sope that will be required by the en- 
sooin sixteen ginerashuns. Peple flock to heer um 
in krowds. The men go becawz its poplar & the 
wimin folks go to see what other wimin folks have 
on. When its over the lecturer goze & ragales his- 

* It is proper to say that Mk. Ward has recently found oo« 
casion to change his mind on this subject. 

LofC. 



100 THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES 

Belf with oysters and sich, while the peple say 
" What a charmin lectur that air was," etsettery et 
settery, when 9 out of 10 of um don't have no 
moore idee of what the lecturer sed than my kan- 
geroo has of the sevunth speer of hevun. Thare's 
moore infurmashun to he gut out of a well conduct- 
id noospaper — price 3 sents — than thare is out ol 
ten poplar lectures at 25 or 50 dollers a pop, as the 
kase may be. These same peple, bare in mind 
stick up their nosis at moral wax figgers & sagashus 
beests. Thay say these things is low. Gents, it 
greeves my hart in my old age, when I'm in " the 
Sheer & yeller leef " (to cote frum my Irish frend 
Mister McBeth) to see that the Show biznis is pritty 
much plade out. howsomever I shall chance it agane 
in the Spring. 



WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 

I pitcht my tent in a small town in Injianny one 
day last seeson, & while I was standin at the dore 
takin money, a deppytashun of ladies came up & 
Bed they wos members of the Bunkumville Female 
Moral Reformin & Wimin's Rite's Associashun, and 
thay axed me if they cood go in without payin. 

" Not exactly," sez I, " but you can pay without 
goin in." 

"Dew you know who we air?" said one of the 
wimin — a tall and feroshus lookin critter, with a 
blew kotton umbreller under her arm — "do you 
know who we air Sir ? " 

"My impreshun is," sed I. " fromakerseryvieW; 
that you air females." 

"We air, Sur," said the feroshus woman — 
" we belong to a Society whitch beleeves wimin haa 



102 



WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 



rites — which beleeves in razin her to her proper 
spoer — whitch beleeves she is indowed with aa 
much mtelleck as man is — whitch beleeves she ia 
trampled on and aboozed — & who will resist hen- 
so4th & forever the incroachments of proud & domi- 
neering men." 

Durin her discourse, the exsentric female grabed 
me bj the coat-kollor & was swinging her umbreller 
wildly over mj hed. 

" I hope, marm, sez I, starting back, " that your 
intensions is honorable ? I'm a lone man hear in a 
strange place. Besides, Ive a wife to hum." 

" Yes," cried the female, " & she's a slave ! 
Doth she never dream of freedom — doth she never 
think of throAvin of the yoke of tyrrinny & thinkin 
& votin for herself ? — Doth she never think of 
these here things? " 

" Not bein a natral born fool," sed I, by this 
time a little riled, " I kin safely say that she dothunt." 

" whot — whot ! " screamed the female, swing 
in her umbreller in the air. 0, what is the price 
that woman pays for her expeeriunce !-" 



WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 103 

" I don't know," sez I ; " the price to my 8ho"W 
is 15 cents pur individooal." 

" & can't our Sosiety go in free ? " asked the fe- 
male. 

"Not if I know it," sed I. 

" Crooil, crooil man ! " she cried, & bust into 
teers. 

"Won't you let my darter in? " sed anuther of 
the exsentric wimin, taken me afeckshunitely by the 
hand. " 0, please let my darter in. — shee's a sweet 
gushin child of natur." 

"Let her gush! " roared I, as mad as I cooa 
stick at their tarnal nonsense; "let her gush!'' 
Where upon they all sprung back with the simulta- 
nious observashun that I was a Beest. 

" My female friends," sed I, " be4 you leeve, Ive 
a few remarks to remark ; wa them well. The fe- 
male woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of 
which this land can boste. It's onpossible to get 
along without her. Had there bin no female wimin 
in the world, I should scarcely be here with my un- 
paraleld show on this very occashun. She is good 



104 WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 

in sickness — good in wellness — good all the time 
0, woman, woman ! " I cried, my feelins worked 
up to a hi poetick pitch, " you air a angle when you 
behave yourself ; but when you take off your prop- 
er appairel & (mettyforically speaken) — get into 
pantyloons — when you desert your firesides, & with 
your beds full of wimin's rites noshuns go round 
like roarin lyons, seekin whom you may devour 
someboddy — in short, when you undertake to play 
the man, you play the devil and air an emfatic noo- 
sance. My female friends," I continnered, as they 
were indignantly departin, " wa well what A. Wari 
has sed ! " 



WOULD-BE SEA DOGS. 

Sum of the captings on the Upper Ohio River 
put on a heap of airs. To hear 'em git orf saler 
lingo you'd spose they'd bin on the briny Deep for 
a life time, when the fact is they haint tasted salt 
water since they was infants, when they had to take 
It for ivorms. Still they air good natercd fellers, 
and when they drink they take a dose big enuff for 
a grown person. 



6* 



ON "FORTS." 

Every man has got a Fort. It's sum men's fort 
to do one thing, and sum other men's fort to do 
another, while there is numeris shiftliss critters goin 
round loose whose fort is not to do nothin. 

Shakspeer rote good plase, but he wouldn't hav 
succeeded as a Washington correspondent of a New 
York daily paper. He lackt the rekesit fancy and 
imagginashun. 

That's so ! 

Old George Washington's Fort was to not hev 
eny public man of the present day resemble him to 
eny alarmin extent. Whare bowts can George's 
ekal be fownd ? I ask, & boldly anser no whares, 
or eny whare else. 

Old man Townsin's Fort was to maik Sassyperil- 
ler. '•'■ Goy to the world ! anuther life saived ! " 
(Cotashun from Townsin's advertisemunt.) 



ON "FORTS." IQij 

Cyrus Field's Fort is to lay a sub-machine telle- 
graf under , the boundin billers of the Oshun, and 
then hev it Bust. 

Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo, which 
mends everything. Wonder ef it will mend a sin- 
ner's wickid waze. (Impromptoo goak.) 

Zoary's Fort is to be a femaile circus feller. 

My Fort is the grate moral show bizniss & ritin 
choice famerly literatoor for the noospapers. That's 
what's the matter with me. 

&c., &c., &c. So I mite go on to a indefnit ex- 
tent. 

Twict I've endeverd to do things which thay 
wasn't my Fort. The fust time was when I under- 
tuk to lick a owdashus cuss who cut a hole in my 
tent & krawld threw. Sez I, '• my jentle Sir go 
oiit or I shall fall onto you putty bevy." Sez he, 
" Wade in, Old wax figgers," whareupon I went for 
him, but he cawt me powerful on the bed & knockt 
me threw the tent into a cow pastur. He pursood 
the attack & flung me into a mud puddle. As I 
aroze & rung out my drcnclit garmints I koncluded 



108 ON " FORTS." 

5tin wasn't my Fort. He now rize the kurtin upon 
Seen 2nd : It is rarely seldum that I seek consola- 
tion m the Flowin Bole. But in a sertin town in 

Injianny in the Faul of 18 . my orgin grinder 

got sick with the fever & died. I never felt so 
ashamed in my life, & I thowt I'd hist in a few swal- 
lers of suthin strengthin. Konsequents was I hist- 
id in so much I dident zackly know whare bowts I 
was. I turnd my livin wild beests of Pray loose 
into the streets and spilt all my wax wurks. I then 
Bet I cood play boss. So I hitched myself to a 
KanaAvl bote, there bein two other bosses hitcht on 
also, one behind and anuther ahead of me. The 
driver hollerd for us to git up, and we did. But the 
bosses bein onused to sich a arrangemunt begun to 
kick & squeal and rair up. Konsequents was I was 
kickt vilently in the stummuck & back, and presunt- 
ly I fownd myself in' the Kanawl with the other 
bosses, kickin & yellin like a tribe of Cusscaroorus 
avvijis, I was rescood, & as I was bein carrid to 
the tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble 
voise, " Boys, playin boss isn't my Fort." 



ON "FOETS." 



109 



MoRUL — • Never don't do notliin which isn't your 
Fort, for ef you do you'll find yourself splasliin 
round in the Kanawl, figgeratively speakin. 




^m^ 



Joe Stackpole says he can lick the Seceshers in a faih 
TAND-tJP FIGHT. [See Page 186.] 



PICCOLOMINI. 

GeN'iS — I arroved in Cleveland on Saturday P. 
M. from Baldinsville jest in time to fix mj^self up 
and put on a clean biled rag to attend Miss Pickle- 
homony's grate musical sorry at the Melodeon. The 
krowds which pored into the hall augured well for 
the show bisnis, & with cheerful sperrets I jined the 
enthoosiastic throng. I asked Mr. Strakhosh at the 
door if he parst the perfession, and he said not 
much he didn't, whereupon I bawt a preserved seat 
in the pit, & obsarving to Mr. Strakhosh that he. 
needn't put on so many French airs becawz he run 
with a big show, and that he'd better let his weskut 
out a few inches or perhaps he'd bust hisself some 
fine day, I went in and squatted down. It was a sad 
thawt to think that in all that vast aujience Scacely 
a Sole had the honor of my acquaintance. " & this 



PICCOLOMINI. Ill 

ere," sed I Bitturlj, " is Fame ! What sigerfy my 
wax figgers and livin wild beasts (wliicli have no 
ekals) to these peple ? What do thay care becawz 
a site of mj Kangaroo is worth dubble the price of 
admission, and that my Snakes is as harmlis as the 
new born babe '■ — all of which is strictly troo — ? " 
I should have gone on ralein at Fortin and things 
sum more but jest then Signer Maccarony cum out 
and sung a hairey from sum opry or other. He had 
on his store close & looked putty slick, I must say. 
Nobody didn't understand nothin abowt what he sed, 
and so they applawdid him versiferusly. Then Sig- 
ner Brignoly cum out and sung another hairey. 
He appeared to be in a Pensiv Mood & sung a Luv 
song I suppose, tho he may have been cussin the 
eiujince all into a heep for aut I knewd.- Then cum 
Mr. Maccarony agin & Miss Picklehomon}^ herself. 
Thay sang a Doit together. 

Now you know, gents, that I don't admire opry 
ir/asic. But I like Miss Ficklehomony's stile. I 
like her gate. She suits me. Thare has bin grater 
gingers and there has bin more bootiful wimin, but 



112 PICCOLOMINI. 

no more fassinatin young female ever longed for a 
new gown or side to place her hed agin a vest pat- 
tern than Maria Picklehomony. Fassinatin peple ia 
her best holt. She was born to make hash of men's 
buzzums & other wimin mad becawz thaj ain't Pick- 
lehomonies. Her face sparkles with amuzin cussed- 
ness & about 200 (two hundred) little bit of funny 
devils air continually dancin champion jigs in hei 
eyes, said eyes bein brite enuff to lite a pipe by. 
How I shood like to have little Maria out on my 
farm in Baldinsville, Injianny, whare she cood run 
in the tall grass, wrastle with the boys, cut up strong 
at parin bees, make up faces behind the minister's 
back, tie auction bills to the skoolmaster's coat-tales, 
iSet all the fellers crazy after her, k holler & kick 
up, & go it just as much as she wanted to ! But I 
diegress. Every time she cum canterin out I grew 
more and more delighted with her. When she 
bowed her hed I bowed mine. When she powtid 
Jier lips I powtid mine. When she larfed I larfed 
When she je^-ked her hed back and took a lar- 
fin survey of U e aujience. seudin a broadside of 






v"<»i f<<i:-v i-A^cjii ' ,l$\v■ 
-i?^LJKf^iMl#Wxxv 







" b'AiK Youth, do yoc know whot I'd do with you if you 
WAS MY SUN ?" [See Page 94.] 



PICCOLOMTNI. 113 

Bassy smiles in among em, I tried to unjint myself 
& kollapse. When, in tellin liow she drempt she 
lived in Marble Halls, she sed it tickled her more 
than all the rest to dream she loved her feller still 
the same, I made a effort to SAvaller myself; but 
when, in the next song, she looked strate at me & 
called me her Dear, I wildly told the man next to 
me he mite hav my close, as I shood never want 'em 
again no more in this world. [The Plain Dealer 
containin this communicashun is not to be sent tu 
my famerly in Baldinsville under no circumstances 
whatsomever.] 

In conclushun, Maria, I want you to do well. I 
know you air a nice gal at hart & you must get a 
good husband. He must be a man of branes and 
gumpshun & a good provider — a man who will luv 
you strong and long — a man who will luv you jest 
as much in your old age, when your voice is cracked 
like an old tea kittle & you can't get 1 of your 
notes discounted at 50 per sent a month, as he will 
now, when you are young & charmin & full of mu- 
sic, sunshine & fun. Don't marry a snob, Maria, 



114 PICCOLOMINI. 

You ain't a Angel, Maria, & I am glad of it.- 
When I see angels in pettycoats I'm al-^\'ajs sorry 
thaj hain't got wnigs so thej can kin quietlj fly off 
■where thaj will be appreshiated. You air a woman, 
& a mity good one too. As for Maccaronj, Brig- 
nolj, Mullenholler and them other fellers, they can 
take care of theirselves. Old Mac. kin make a com- 
fortable livin choppin cord wood if his voice ever 
givs out, and Amodio looks as tho he mite succeed 
in conductin sum quiet toll gate,- whare the vittlea 
would be plenty k the labor lite. 

I am preparin for the Summer Campane. I 
shall stay in Cleveland a few days and probly you 
will hear from me again ear I leave to once more 
becum a tosser on life's tempestuous billers, meanin 
the Show Bisnis. 

Very Respectively Yours, 

Artemus W\bd. 



LITTLE PATTI. 

The moosic which Ime most use to is the inspirin 
Btranes of the hand orgin. I hire a artistic Italjun 
to grind fur me, pajin him his vittles & close, & I 
spose it was them stranes which fust put a moosical 
taste into me. Lilve all furriners he had seen bet- 
ter dase, havin formerly been a Kount. But he 
aint of much akount now, except to turn the orgin 
and drink Beer, of which bevrige he can hold a 
churnful, easy. 

Miss Patty is small for her size, but as the man 
sed abowt his wife, Lord ! She is well bilt & 
her complexion is what might be called a Broonetty. 
Her ize is a dark bay, the lashes bein long & silky. 
When she smiles the awjince feels like axing her to 
doo it sum moor, & to continner doin it 2 a indefnit 
extent. Her waste is one of the most bootiful wasti- 



116 LITTLE PATTI. 

sis ever seen. When Mister Strackhorse led her 
out I thawt sum pretty skool gal, who had jest grad- 
uate i frum pantalets & wire hoops, was a cumin out 
to read her fust composishun in public. She cum 
so bashful like, with her hed bowd down, & made 
sich a effort to arrange her lips so thajd look prct- 
tj, that I wanted to swalier her. She reminded me 
of Susan Skinner, who'd never kiss the boys at 
parin bees till the candles was blow'd out. Miss 
Patty sung suthin or ruther in a furrin tung. I 
don't know what the sentimunts was. Fur awt I 
know she may hav bin denouncin my wax figgers & 
sagashus wild beests of Pray, & I don't much keer 
ef she dilf. When she opened her mowth a army 
of martingales, bobolinks, kanarys, swallers, mock- 
in birds, etsettery, bust 4th & flew all over the 
Haul. 

Go it, little 1, sez 1 to myself, in a hily exsited 
frame of mind, & ef thatkount or royal duke which 
you'll be pretty apt to marry 1 of these dase don't 
do the fair thing by ye, yu kin always hav a home 
on A. Ward's farm, near Baldinsville, Injianny, 



LITTLE PATTI 117 

When she sung Cumin threw the Rje, & spoke of 
that Swayne she deerlj luvd herself individooullj, 
'I didn't wish I was that air Swajne. No I gess 
not. Oh certainly not, [This is Ironical. I don' 
nieen this. It's a way I hav of goakin.] Not;v 
that Maria Picklehominy has got married [which I 
hopes she likes it] & left the perfeshun, Adeliny 
Patty is the championess of the operj ring. She 
karries the Belt. Thar's no draw fite about it. 
Other primy donnys may as well throw up the 
spunge first as last. My eyes don't deceive my ear- 
site in this matter. 

But Miss Patty orter sing in the Inglish tung. 
As she kin do so as well as she kin in Italyun why 
under the Son dont she do it? What cents is thare 
in singin wurds nobody dont understan wlien wurds 
we do understan is jest as handy ? Why peple will 
versifferusly applawd furrin langwidge is a mister y. 
It reminds me of a man I onct knew. He sed he 
knockt the bottum out of his pork Barril, & the 
pork fell out, but the Brine dident moove a inch. 
It stade in the Barril. He sed this was a Mistery, 



118 LITTLE PxVITL 

but it Avasn't misterior than is this thing I'm speek- 
in of. 

As fur Brignoly, Ferri and Junkj, thay air 
dowtless grate, bat I think sich able boddied men 
wood look better tillin the sile than dressin their- 
selves up in black close & white kid gluvs & shout- 
in in a furrin tung. Mister Junky is a noble 
lookin old man & orter lead armies on to Battel in- 
Btid of shoutin in a furrin tung. 

Adoo. In the tangwidge of Lewis Napoleon 
when receivin kumpany at his pallis on the Bullj- 
vardSj " I saloot yu." 



MOSES, THE SASSY; OR, THE- DISGUISED 
DUKB. 

CHAPTER I. — Elizt. 

My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin 
In the parler of a bloated aristocratic mansion on 
Bacon street sits a luvly young lady, whose hair is 
cuverd ore with the frosts of between 17 Summers. 
She has just- sot down to the piany, and is warblin 
the popler ballad called "Smells of the Notion," 
in which she tells how with pensiv thought, she 
wandered by a C beat shore. The son is settin in 
its horizon, and its gorjus light pores in a golden 
meller flud through the wmders, and makes the 
young lady twict as beautiful nor what she was be- 
fore, which is onnecessary. She is magnificently 
dressed up in a Berage basque, with poplin trim- 



120 MOSES, THE SASSY ; OR, 

mins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 3 plj carpet- 
ing. Also, considerable gauze. Her dress con- 
tains 16 flounders and her shoes is red morocker, 
with gold spangles onto them. Presently she 
jumps up with a wild snort, andi pressin her handa 
to her brow, she exclaims : " Methinks I see a 
voice ! " 

A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is at- 
tired in a red shirt and black trowsis, which last air 
turned up over his boots; his hat, which it is a 
plug, being cockt onto one side of Jiis classical hed. 
In sooth, he was a heroic lookin person, with a fine 
shape. Grease, in its barmiest days near projuced 
a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admirinly 
for a spell, Elizy (for that was her name) organized 
herself into a tabloo^ and stated as follers . 

" Ha ! do me eyes deceive me earsight ? Is" it 
some dreams ? No, I reckon not ! That frame ! 
them store close ! those nose ! Yes, it is me owuj 
me only Moses ! " 

He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the t^ 
mark that he was " a hunkey boy." 




Artemus rescood from the Kanatvx, [See Page 108. 



THE DISGUISED DUKE. 121 

CHAPTER II.— Was Moses of Nobuc Bieth ? 

Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. 
Forty's fellers had just bin havin an annual re- 
union with Fifty's fellers, on the day I introjuce 
jMoses to my readers, and Moses had his arms full 
of trofees, to wit : 4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 
ears, (which he chawed off) and several half and 
quarter sections of noses. When the fair Elizy re- 
covered from her delight at meetin Moses, she 
said : — " How hast the battle gonest ? Tell me ! " 

" We chawed 'em up — that's what we did ! " 
said the bold Moses. 

" I thank the gods ! " sed the fair Elizy. " Thou 
did'st excellent well. And, Moses," she continnered, 
layin her hed confidinly agin his weskit, " dost know 
I sumtimes think thou istest of noble birth? " 

"No ! " said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself. 
"' You don't say so ! " 

" Indeed do I ! Your dead grandfather's sperrit 
comest to me the tother night." 

" Oh no, T guess it's a mistake," sed Moses. 



122 MOSES, THE SASSY; 

" I'll bet two dollars and a quarter he did ! " re- 
plied Elizj. " He said, ' Moses is a Dispraised 
Juke ! ' " 

' You mean Duke," said Moses. 

" Dost not the actors all call it Juke ! " said she. 

That settled the matter. 

" I hav thought of this thing afore, ' said Moses, 
abstractedly. "If it is so, then thus it must be ! 
2 B or not 2 B ! Which ? Sow, sow ! But cnuff. 
life ! life ! — yoxCre too many for me ! " He 
tore out some of his pretty yeller hair, stampt on 
the floor sevril times, and was gone. 

CHAPTER III.— The Pikut Foiled. 

Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the 
seens narrated in the last chapter took place. A 
noble ship the Sary Jane, is a sailin from Fra.nce to 
Ameriky via the Wabash Canal. ■ A pirut ship is in 
hot pursoot of the Sary. The pirut capting isn't a 
man of much principle and intends to kill all the 
people on bored the Sary and confiscate the waller- 
bles. The capting of the S. J. is on the pint of 



OK, THE DISGUISED DUKE 123 

givin in, when a fine lookin feller in russet boots and 
a buffalo overcoat rushes forored and obsarves : 

" Old man ! go down stairs ! Retire to the star- 
bud bulk-hed ! I'll take charge of this Bote ! " 

" Owdashus cuss!" yelled the capting, "away 
with thee or I shall do mur-rer-der-r-r ! " 

" Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew 
a diamond-ldlted fish-knife and cut orf the capting's 
bed. He expired shortly, his last words bein, " we 
are governed too much." 

" People ! " sed the stranger, " I'm the Juke 
d'Moses ! " 

"Old boss!" sed a passenger, " methinks thou 
art bio win ! " whareupon the Juke cut orf his bed 
also. 

"Oh that I should live to see myselLa ded 
body ! " screamed the unfortnit man. " But don't 
print any verses about my deth in the newspapers, 
for if you do I'll haunt ye ! " 

" People ! " sed the Juke, "I alone can save you 
from yon bloody pirut ! Ho ! a peck of oats ! " 
The oats was brought and the Juke, boldly mountin 



124 MOSES, THE SASSY ; 

the jibpoop, thro wed them onto the towpath. The 
pirut rapidly approached, chucklin with fiendish de- 
liglit at the idee of increasin his ill-gotten gains. 
Bvit the leadin boss of the pirut ship stopt suddent 
on comin to the oats, and commenst for to devour 
them. In vain the piruts swore and throwd stonea 
and bottles at the boss — he wouldn't budge a 
inch. Meanwhile the Sarj Jane, her bosses on the 
full jump, was fast leavin the pirut ship ! 

'' Onct agin do I escape deth ! " sed the Juke be- 
tween his clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop. 

CHAPTER IV. — The Wanderer's Return. 

The Juke was Moses the Sasj ! Yes, it was ! 

He had bin to France and now he was home agin 
in Bostin, which gave birth to a Bunker Hill ! ! 
Pie had some trouble in gitting hisself acknowl- 
edged as Juke in France, as the Orleans Dienasty 
and Borebones were fernest him, but he finally con- 
kered Elizy knowd him right off, as one of his 
cars and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in 
his fights with opposition firemen durin boyhood's 



OR THE DISGUISED DUKE. 12-'=' 

BunTij hours. They lived to a green old age, be- 
loved by all, both grate and small. Their children, 
of which they have numerous, often go up onto the 
Common and see the Fountain squirt. 

This is my 1st attempt at wi'itin a Tail & it is far 
from bein perfeck, but if I have indoosed folks to 
see that in 9 ca-ses out of 10 they can either make 
Life as barren as the Dessert of Sarah, or as joy- 
yus as a flower garding, my objeck will have bin 
accomplished, and more too. 



THE PRINCE OF WALES 

To my friends of the Editorial Corpse : 

I rite these lines on British sile. I've bin folleriu 
Mrs. Victory's hopeful sun Albert Edward threw 
rCanadj with my onparaleled Show, and tho I haint 
made much in a pecoonery pint of vew, I've lernt 
Bumthin new, over hear on British Sile, whare they 
bleeve in Saint Gorge and the Dragoon. Previs to 
cumin over hear I tawt my organist how to grind 
Rule Brittanny and other airs which is poplar on 
British Sile. 1 likewise fixt a wax figger up to rep- 
resent Sir Edmun lied the Govner Ginral. The 
statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax statoot I 
ever saw. I've showd it as Wm. .Penn. Napoleon 
Bonypart, Juke of Wellington, the Beneker Boy 
^Irs. Cunningham & varis other notid persons, & 
also for a sertin pirut named Hix. I've bin so long 



THE PRINCE OF WALES. 127 

amung wax statoots that I can fix 'em up to soot 
the tastes of folks, & with sum paints 1 hav I kin 
giv their facis a beneverlent or fiendisli look as the 
kase requires. I giv Sir Edmun Hed a beneverlent 
look, & when sum folks who thawt thej was smart 
sed it didn't look like Sir Edmun Hed anymore 
than it did anybody else, I sed, " That's the pint. 
That's the beauty of the Statoot. It looks like Sir 
Edmun Hed or any other man. You may kail it 
what you pleese. Ef it don't look like anybody that 
ever lived, then it's sertinly a remarkable Statoot & 
well worth seein. /kail it Sir Edmun Hed. Yoh 
may kail it what yoa darn pleese ! " [I had 'em 
thare.] 

At larst I'vehad a interview with the Prince, tho 
it putty nigh cost me my vallerble life. I cawt a 
glimps of him as he sot on the Pizarro of the hotel 
in Sarnia, & elbowd myself threw a crowd of wimin, 
children, sojers & Injins that was hangin round the 
tavern. I was drawin near to the Prince when a 
red faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of me 
and axed me whare I was goin all so bold ? 



128 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 

" To see xilbert Edard the Prince of Wales," sea 
I; " who are jou ? " 

He sed he was Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Reg- 
iment, Her Magistj's troops. I told him I hoped 
the Seventy Onesters was in good lielth, and was 
passin by when he ceased hold of me agin, and sed 
in a tone of indigent cirprise : 

" What ? Impossible ! It kannot be ! Blarst 
my hize, sir, did I understan you to say that you 
was actooally goin into the presents of his Royal 
Iniss ? " 

" That's what's the matter with me," I replide. 

" But blarst my hize, sir, its unprecedented. It's 
orful, sir. Nothin' like it huin't happened sins the 
Gun Power Plot of Guy Forks. Owdashus man, 
who air yu ?" 

" Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a 
defiant air, •' I'm a Amerycan sitterzen. My name 
is Ward. I'm a husband & the father of twins, 
which I'm happy to state thay look like me. By 
perfeshun I'm a exhibiter of wax works & sich." 

" Good God I " yelled the Kurnal, " the idee of 



THE PRINCE OF WALES. 129 

a exhibiter of wax figgers goin into the presents of 
Royalty ! The British Lion may well roar "vvlth 
raje at the thawt ! " 

Sez I, " Speakin of the British Lion, Kurnal, 
I'd like to make a bargin with you fur that beast 
fur a few weeks to add to my Show." I didn't 
meen nothin by this. I was only gettin orf a goak, 
but you orter hev seen the Old Kurnal jump up & 
howl. He actooally fomed at the moAyth. 

" This can't be real," he showtid. " No, no. 
It's a horrid dream. Sir, you air not a human be- 
in — you hav no existents — yure a Myth ! " 

" Wall," sez I, " old boss, yule find me a ruther 

onkomfortable Myth ef you punch my inards in that 

way agin." I began to git a little riled, fur when 

he called me a Myth he puncht me putty hard. 

The Kurnal now commenst showtin fur the Seventy 

Onesters. I at fust thawt I'd stay & becum a Mar- 

ter to British Outraje, as sich a course mite git my 

H:me up & be a good advertisement fur my Show, 

u t it occurred to me that ef enny of the Seventy 

Onesters shood happen to insert a barronet into mj 
6* 



130 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 

Btummick it mite be onplesunt, & I was on tlie pin< 
of runnin orf wlien the Prince hisself kum up & 
axed -me what the matter was. Sez I, "Albert 
Edard is that you ? " & he smilt & sed it was. 
Sez I, " Albert Edard, hears my keerd. I cum to 
pay my respecks to the futer King of Ingland. 
The Kurnal of the Seventy Onesters hear is ruther 
smawl pertaters, but of course you ain't to blame 
fur that. He puts on as many airs as tho he was 
the Bully Boy with the glass eye." 

" Never mind," sez Albert Edard, "I'm glad to 
see you, Mister Ward, at all events," & he tuk my 
hand so plesunt like & larfed so sweet that I fell in 
love with him to onct. He handid me a segar & we 
sot down on the Pizarro & commenst smokin rite 
cheerful "Wall," sez I, "Albert Edard, how's 
the old folks ? " 

" Her Majesty & Jie Prince are well," he sed. 

" Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar? " 
I iiiquired. 

The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man 
didn't let many kegs of that bevridge spile in the 



THE PEINCE OF WALES. 131 

sellar ia the coarse of a year. We sot & tawked 
there sum time abowt matters & things, & bimeby I 
axed him how he liked bein Prince as fur as h'ed 
got. 

" To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, " I 
don't much like it. I'm sick of all this bowin & 
scrapin & crawlin & hurrain over a boy like me. 
I would rather go through the country quietly & 
enjoy myself in my own way, with the other boys, 
& not be made a Show of to be garped at by every- 
body. When the peple cheer me I feel pleesed, fur 
I know they meen it, but if these one-horse offishuls 
cood know how I see threw all their moves & un- 
derstan exackly what they air after, & knowd how I 
larft at 'em in private, thayd stop kissin my hands 
& fawnin over me as thay now d6. But you know 
Mr. Ward I can't help bein a Prince, & I must do 
all I kin to fit myself fur the persishun I must 
sumtime ockepy." 

" That's troo," sez I; ■' sickness and the docters 
will carry the Queen orf one of these dase, sure's 
yer born." 



132 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 

The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer 
I rose up & sed : " Albert Edard, I must go. but 
previs to doin so I will obsarve that you soot me, 
Yure a good feller Albert Edard, & tho I'm agin 
Princes as a gineral thing, I must say I like the cut 
of your Gib. When you git to be King try and be 
as good a man as yure muther has bin. ! Be just & 
be Jenerus, espeshully to showmen, who hav allers 
bin aboozed sins the dase of Noah, who was the fust 
man to go into the Menagery bizniss, & ef the daily 
papers of his time air to be beleeved Noah's colleck- 
shun of livin wild beests beet ennything ever seen 
sins, tho I make bold to dowt ef his snaiks was 
ahead of mine. Albert Edard, adoo ! " I tuk his 
hand which he shook warmly, & givin him a perpet- 
ooal free pars to my show, & also parses to take hum 
for the Queen & Old Albert, I put on my hat and 
walkt away 

" Mrs. Ward," I solilerquized, as I walkt along, 
" Mrs. Ward, ef you could see your husband now, 
just as he prowdly emerjis from the presunts of the 
futur King of Ingland, you'd be sorry you called 



THE PRINCE OF WALES. 133 

him a JBeest jest becaws he cum home tired 1 nite 
and wantid to go to bed without taldn orf his boots 
You'd be sorry for tryin to deprive yure husband of 
the priceliss Boon of liberty, Betsy Jane ! " 

Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with 
gownds onto 'em. The leader was on horseback, & 
ridin up to me he sed, " Air you Orange ? " 

SezI, "Which?" 

" Air you a Orangeman ? " he repeated, sternly. 

" I used to peddle lemins," sed I, " but I nevei 
delt in oranges. They are apt to spile on yure 
hands. What particler Loonatic Asylum he v you 
& yure frends escaped frum, ef I may be so bold ? " 
Just then a suddent thawt struck me & I sed, " Oh 
yure the fellers who air worryin the Prince so & 
givin the Juke of Noocastle cold sweats at nite, by 
yure infernal catawalins, air you ? Wall, take the 
advice of a Amerykin sitterzen, take orf them 
gownds & don't try to get up a religious fite, Avhich 
is 40 times wuss nor a prize fite, over Albert Edard, 
who wants to receive you all on a ekal footin, not 
keerin a tinker's cuss what meetin house you sleep 



.■3i THE PRINCE OF WALES. 

iu Sundays. Go home and mind yure bisness & not 
make noosenses of yourselves." "With which ob- 
servashuns I left 'em. 

I shall leeve British sile 4thvrith. 



OSSAWATOMIE BKOWN. 

I don't pertend to be a cricket & consekently the 
reader will not regard this 'ere peace as a Cricket- 
cism, I cimplj desine givin the pints & Plot of a 
play I saw actid out at the theater t'other nite, 
called Ossywattermy Brown or the Hero of Harp- 
er's Ferry. Ossywattermy had varis failins, one of 
which was a idee that he cood conker Virginny with 
a few duzzen loonatics which he had pickt np snm- 
whares, mercy only nose when. He didn't cum it, 
as the sekel showed. This play Avas jerkt by a 
admirer of Old Ossywattermy. 

First akt opens at North Elby. Old Brown'a 
humsted. Thare's a weddin at the house. Amely, 
Old Brown's darter, marrys sumbody, and they all 
whirl in the Messy darnce. Then Ossywattermy 
and his 3 suns leave fur Kansis. Old Mrs. Ossy- 



130 OSSAWATOMIE BROWN. 

wattermj tells 'em thaj air goin on a long jurny & 
Blesses 'em to slow fiddlin. Thay go to Kansis 
"What upon arth thay go to Kansis fur when thay 
was so nice & comfortable down there to North 
Elby, is more'n I know. The suns air next seen in 
Kansis at a tarvern. Mister Blane. a sinister 
lookin man with his Belt full of knives & hosa 
pistils, axes one of the Browns to take a drink. 
Brown refuzis, which is the fust instance on record 
whar a Brown deklined sich a invite. I\Iister Blane, 
who is a dark bearded feroshus lookin person, then 
axis him whether he's fur or fernenst Slavery. Yung 
Brown sez he's agin it, whareupon Mister Blane, 
who is the most sinisterest lookin man I ever saw, 
sez Har, har, har ! (that bein his stile of larfin Avild- 
ly) & ups & sticks a knife into yung Brown. Au- 
uther Brown rushes up & sez, "you has killed me 
Ber-ruther ! " Moosic by the Band & Seen changes. 
The stuck yung Brown enters supported by his two 
/mothers. Bim.eby he falls down, sez he sees his 
Mother, & dies. Moosic by the Band. I lookt but 
couldn't see any mother. Next Seen reveels Old 







PrCCOLOMINT IN THE " ChILD OF THE EeGIMENT." \Se.e Pogt 
110.] 



OSSAWATOanE BROWN. 137 

Brown's cabin. He's readin a book. He scz f'ree- 
dum must extend its Area & rubs his hands like \\q 
was pleesed abowt it. His suns come in. One of 
'em goes out & cums in ded, havin bin shot while 
out bj a Border Ruffin. The ded yung Brown sez 
he sees his mother and tumbles down. The Border 
Ruffins then surround the cabin & set it a fire. 
The Browns giv theirselves up for gone coons, when 
the hired gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & 
thaj go down threw it & cum up threw the bulkhed. 
Their merraklis 'scape reminds me of the 'scape of 
De Jones the Coarsehair of the Gulf — a tail with 
a yaller kiver, that I onct red. For sixteen years 
he was confined in a loathsum dunjin, not tastin of 
food durin all that time. When a lucky thawt 
struck him ! He opend the winder and got out. 
To resoom — Old Brown rushes down to the foot 
lites, gits down on his nees & swares hell hav 
revenge. The battle of Ossawattermy takes place. 
Old Brown kills Mister Blane, the sinister indi- 
vidooal aforesed. Mister Blane makes a able & 
elerf^uent speech, sez he don't see his mother 7nuchi 



138 OSS.IWATOMIE BrwO A N 

and dies like a son of a gentleman, rapt up in the 
Star iSpangled Banner. Moosic by the Band. 
Four or five other Border ruffins air killed but thay 
don't say nothin abowt seein their mothers. From 
Kansis to Harper's Ferry. Picter of a Arsenal is 
represented. Sojers cum & fire at it. Old Brown 
cums out & permits hisself to be shot. He is tride 
by two soops in milingtery close, and sentenced to be 
huag on the gallus. Tabloo —Old Brown on a 
platiurm, pintin upards, the staige lited up with red 
fi.e. Goddiss of Liberty also on platform, pintiu 
upards. A dutchman in the orkestry warbles on a 
base drum. Curtin falls. Moosic by the Band. 



JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 

Deal- Sirs : — 

I take my pen in hand to inform jou that I am 

in a state of grate bliss, and trust these lines -will 
find you injojin the same blessins. I'm reguvinated. 
I've found the immortal waters of yooth, so to 
speak, and am as limber and frisky as a two-year 
old steer, and in the futer them boys which sez to 
me "go up, old Bawld hed," will do so at the peril 
of their hazard, individooally. I'm very happy. 
My house is full of joy, and I have to git up nights 
and larf! Sumtimes I ax myself "is it not a 
dream ? " & suthin withinto me sez " it air ; " but 
when I look at them sweet little critters and hear 
'em squawk, I know it is. a reality — 2 realitys, I 
may say — and I feel gay. 

J returnd from the Summer Campane with my 
unparaleld show of wax works and livin wild Beesta 



140 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WaRD. 

of Praj in the early par.t of this muntb The 
peple of Baldinsville met me cordully and I imme- 
iitlj commenst restin myself with my famerly. The 
other nite while I was down to the tavurn tostin my 
shins agin the bar room fire & amuziu the krowd 
with sum of my adventurs, who shood cum in bare 
heded & terrible excited but Bill Stokes, who sez, 
sez he. ' ' Old Ward, there's grate doins up to your 
house." 

Sez I, " William, how so ? " 

Sez he, " Bust my gizzud, but its grate doins," & 
then he larfed as if hee'd kill hisself. 

Sez I, risin and puttin on a austeer look, " Wil- 
liam, I woodunt be a fool if I had common cents." 

But he kept on larfin till he was black in the 
face, when he fell over on to the bunk where the 
hostler sleeps, and in a still small voice sed, 
" Twins ! " I ashure you gents that the grass 
didn't grow under my feet on my way homo, & I 
was fpllered by a enthoosiastic throng of my feller 
sitterzens, who hurrard for Old Ward at the top of 
their voises. I found the house chock full of peple. 



JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WAED. 141 

Thare was Mis Square Baxter and her three grown 
up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taberthj Riplej. 
young Eben Parsuns, DeakuD Simmuns folks, th 
Skoolmaster, Doctor Jordin, -etsetterj, etsettery 
Mis Ward was in the west room, which jines the 
kitchin. Mis Square Baxter was mixin suthin in a 
dipper before the kitchin fire, & a small army of 
female wimin were rushin wildly round the house 
with bottles of camfire, peaces of flannil, &c. I 
never seed sich a hubbub in my natral born dase. 
I cood not stay in the west room only a minit, so 
strung up was my feelins, so I rusht out and ceased 
mj dubbel barrild gun. 

" What upon airth ales the man ? " sez Taberthy 
Ripley, " Sakes alive, what air you doin ? " & she 
grabd me by the coat tales. " What's the matter 
with you ? " she continnerd. 

" Twins, marm," sez I, " twins ! " 

" I know it," sez she, coverin her pretty face 
with her apun. 

* Wall," sez I, "that's what's the matter with 
me ! " 



142 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 

" Wall put down that air gun, you pesky olJ 
fool," sed she. 

" No, marm," sez I, " this is a Nashunal daj'. 
The glory of this here day isn't confined to Baldins- 
ville hy a darn site. On yonder woodshed," sod I, 
drawin myself up to my full hite and speakin in a 
show actin voice, " will I fire a Nashunal saloot ! " 
sayin whitch I tared myself from her grasp and 
rusht to the top of the shed whare I blazed away 
until Square Baxter's hired man and my son 
Artemus Juneyer cum and took me down by mo.ne 
force. 

On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of 
people seated be4 the fire, a talkin the event over. 
They made room for me & I sot down. " Quite a 
eppisode," sed Doctor Jordin, litin his pipe with a 
red hot coal. 

" Yes," sed I, " 2 eppisodes, waying abowt 18 
pound's jintly." 

" A perfeck coop de tat," sed the skoolmaster. 

" E pluribus unum, in proprietor persony," sed I, 
khinkins; I'd let him know I understood furrin 



JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 143 

langTvidges as well as he did, if I wasn't a slvool- 
master. 

"It is indeed a momentious event," sed young 
Eben Parsuns, who has been 2 quarters to the 
Akademy. 

" I never heard twins called by that name afore," 
sed I, " but I spose it's all rite." 

" We shall soon have Wards enufF," sed the 
editer of the Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty^ who 
was Iqokin over a bundle of exchange papers in the 
corner, " to apply to the legislater for a City 
Charter?" 

" Good for you, old man ! " sed I, " giv that air 
a conspickius place in the next Bugle.^'' 

" How redicklus," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, 
coverin her face with her knittin work & larfin like 
all possest. 

" Wall, for my part," sed Jane Maria Peasley 
who is the crossest old made in the world, " I think 
you all act like a pack of fools." 

Sez I, " Mis. Peasly, air you a parent? ' 

Sez she, " No, I aint. " 



144 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WaRI 

Sez I, ' Mig. Peasly, you never will bo." 

She left. 

We sot there talkin & larfin until " the switchin 
hour of nite, when grave yards yawn & Josta troOp 
4th," as old Bill Shakespire aptlee obsarves in hi? 
dramy of John Sheppard, esq., or the Moral Housp 
Breaker, when we broke up & disbursed. 

Muther & children is a doin well ; & as Resolu 
shuns is the order of the day I will feel obleeged if 
you'll insurt the follerin — 

Whereas, two Eppisodes has happined up to the 
undersined's house, which is Twins ; & Whereas I 
like this stile, sade twins bein of the male perswa- 
shun & both boys ; there4 Be it 

Resolved, that to them nabers who did the fare 
thnig by sade Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo. 

Resolved, that I do most hartily thank Engine 
Ko. N'o. 17 who, under the impreshun from the fu?3 
at my house on that auspishus nite that thare was a 
konflagration goin on, kum galyiantly to the spot, 
.)ut kindly rcfraned frum squirtin. 

Resolved, that frum the Bottum of my Sole do 1 




" Twins, marm," sez I, " Twins I" [See Page 141.] 



JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 145 

thank tlie Baldinsville brass band fur givin up the 
idea of Sarahnadin me, both on that great nite & 
sinse. 

Resolved, that my thanks is doo several members 
of the Baldinsville meetin house who fur 3 whole 
dase hain't kalled me a sinful skoffer or intreeted me 
to mend mj wicked wase and jine sade meetin house 
to onct. 

Resolved, that my Boozum teams with meny kind 
emoshuns towards the follerin individoouls, to whit 
namelee — Mis. Square Baxter, who Jenerusly re- 
foozed to take a sent for a bottle of camfire ; lawyer 
Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes ; 
the Editer of the Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty, 
who nobly assisted me in wollupin my Kangeroo, 
which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed the Ep- 
pisodes by his outrajus screetchins & kickins up; 
Mis. Hirum Doolittle, who kindly furnisht sum cold 
vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt konvenient 
to cook vittles at my house ; & the Peasleys, Par- 
6U7ises & Watsunses fur there meny ax of kindness 
Trooly yures, Aktbmfs Ward. 

7 



CRXnSE OF THE POLLY AN^T. 

In overhaulin one of my old trunks the totber 
day, I found the follerin' jernal of a vjge on the 
Btarnch canawl bote, Polly Ann, which happened to 
the subscriber when I was a young man (in the 
Brite Lexington of yooth, when thar aint no sicb 
word as fale) on the Wabash Canawl : 

(Monday 2 P. M.) Got under wa. Hosses not 
remarkable frisky at fust. Had to bild fires under 
'em before they'd start. Started at larst very sud- 
dent, causin the bote for to lurch vilently and 
knockin me orf from my pins. (Sailor frase.) 
Sevral passenjers on bored. Parst threw deliteful 
country. Honist farmers was to work sowin korn, 
k other projuce in the fields. Surblime- scenery. 
Large red-heded gal reclinin on the banks of tho 
Canawl, bathin her feet. 

Turned in at 15 minits parst eleving. 



CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN, 147 

Toosdy — Riz at 5 and went up on the poop deck, 
Took a grown person's dose of licker with a membei 
of the Injianny legislator, which he urbanely in ' 
sisted on allowin me to pay for. Bote tearin threu 
the briny waters at the rate of 2 Nots a hour, when 
the boy on the leadin boss shoutid, 

" Sale hoe ! " 

" Whar away ? " hollered the capting, clearin hia 
glass (a empty black bottle, with the bottom knockt 
out) and bringing it to his Eagle eye. 

" Bout four rods to the starbud," screamed the 
boy. 

" Jes so," screeched the capting. " What wes- 
sel's that air ? " 

" Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and be darned 
to you ! " ' 

" I, I Sir ! " hollered our capting. " Reef your 
arft boss, splice your main jib-boom, and hail your 
chambermaid ! What's up in Terry Hawt ? " 

" You know Bill Spikes ? " sed the capting of the 
Warier. 

" Wall, I reckin He kau eat more fride pork 



148 CRUISE OF THE TOLLY ANN. 

nor any man of his heft on the Wabash. lie's a or 
nament to his sex ! " 

" Wall," continued the capting of the Kickin 
Marier. " Wilyim got a little owly the tother day, 
and got to pranein around town on that old white 
mare of his'r. and bein in a playful mood, he rid up 
in front of the Court 'us whar old Judge Perkins 
was a holdin Court, and let drive his rifle at him. 
The bullet didn't hit the Judge at all ; it only jea 
whizzed parst his left ear, lodgin in the wall behind 
him ; but what d'ye spose the old despot did ? Why, 
he actooally fined Bill ten dollars for contempt of 
Court! What do you think of that?" axed the 
capting of the Marier, as he parst a long black bot- 
tle over to our capting. 

" The country is indeed in danger ! " sed our cap- 
ting, raisiij the bottle to his lips. The wessels part- 
ed. No other incidents that day. Retired to ray 
chased couch at 5 minits parst 10. 

(Wensdy.) Riz arly. Wind blowin N. W. E., 
Ilevy sea on and ship rollin wildly in consekents of 
j'epper-corns havin bin fastened to the forrerd boss's 



CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN 146 

tale. " Heave two ! " roared the capting to the man 
at the rudder, as the Polly giv a fritefal toss. I 
■was sick, an sorry I'd cum. " Heave two ! " re- 
peated the capting. I went below. " Heave two ! " 

1 hearn him holler agin, and stickin my hed out of 
the cabin winder, Ihev. 

The bosses became dosile eventually, and I felt 
better. The sun bust out in all his splendor, disre- 
gardless of expense, and lovely Natur put in her 
best licks. We parst the beautiful village of Limy, 
which lookt sweet indeed, with its neat white cot- 
tages, Insti toots of learnin and other evijences of 
civillizashun, incloodin a party of bald heded .culler- 
ed men who was playiig 3 card monty on the stoop 
of the Red Eagle tavern. All, all was food for my 

2 poetic sole. I went below to breakfast, but vit- 
tles had lost their charms. '' Take sum of this," 
sed the Capting, shovin a bottle tords my plate. 
" It's whisky. A few quarts allers sets me right 
when my stummick gits out of order. It's a excel- 
lent tonic ! " I declined |he seductive flooid. 

(Thursdy.) Didn't rest well last night on ac- 



150 * CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN. 

Rount of a uprore made by the capting, who stopt 
the Bote to go ashore and smash in the windows of 
a groserj. He was brought back in about a hour, 
with his hed dun up in a red hankercher, his eyes 
bein swelled up orful, and his nose very much out 
of jint. He was bro't aboard on a shutter by his 
crue, and depof^ited on the cabin floor, the passen- 
jers all risin up in their births, pushin the red cur- 
tains aside & lookin out to see what the matter was. 
" Why do you allow your pashuns to run away with 
you in this onseemly stile, my misgided frend?" 
sed a solium lookin man in a red flannel nite-c^ap. 
" Why do you sink yourself to the Boasts of the 
field?" 

" Wall, the fack is," sed the capting, risin hisself 
on the shutter, " I've bin a little prejoodiced agin 
that grosery for some time. But I made it lively 
for the boys, Deacon ! Bet yer life ! " He larfed 
a short, wild larf, and called for his jug. Sippin a 
few pints, he smiled gently upon the passengers, sed 
'"Bless you' bless you!" and fell into a sweet 
sleep. 



CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN. 151 

Eventually we reached our jerny's end. Thia 
was in the days of Old Long Sign, be4 the iron 
hoss was foaled, ' This was be4 steembotes was goin ' 
round bustin their bilers & sendin peple higher nor 
a kite. Them was happy days when peple was in- 
telligent & wax figger's & livin wild beasts wasn't 
scoffed at. 

" dase of me boyhood 
I'm dreamin on ye now ! " 

Poeckry.) A. W. 



INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN 

I hav no politics. Nary a one. I'm not in tlu 
bisiness. If I was I spose I should holler versiff- 
ruslj in the streets at nite and go home to Betsy 
Jane smellen of coal ile and gin, in the mornin, I 
should go to the Poles arly. I should stay there all 
day. I should see to it that my nabers was thar. 
I should git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm 
and the indignant thar. I should be on guard agin 
frauds and sich. I should be on the look out for 
the infamus lise of the enemy, got up jest be4 elec- 
Bhun for perlitical effeck. When all was over and 
my candydate was elected, I should move lieving & 
arth — so to speak — until I got orfice, which if 1 
didn't git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the 
Administration with all my mite and maine. Bui 



INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 153 

I'm not in the bisniss. I'm in a far more respectful 
hisniss nor what poUertics is. I wouldn't giv two 
cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult I ever 
received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville 
axed me to run fur the Legislator. Sez I, My 
frends, dostest think I'd stoop to that there ? " • 
They turned as white as a sheet. I spoke in my 
most orfullest tones, & they knowd I wasn't to be 
trifled with. They slunked out of site to onct. 

There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old 
Abe at his humstid in Springfield. I found the old 
feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm 
of orfice seekers. Knowin he had been capting of 
a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd 
address him in sailor lingo, so sez I " Old Abe, 
ahoy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the fore- 
castle & throw yer jib-poop over-board ! Shiver 
my timbers, my harty ! " [N. B. This is ginu- 
ine mariner langwidge. I know, becawz I've seen 
sailor plays acted out by them New York theater 
ellers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, 

" Send in yer petition by & by. I can't possibly 

7* 



154 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 



look at it now. Indeed, I can't. It's onpossible 



Bir 



I " 



" Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air? " sed I. 

' A orfice-seeker, to be sure ? " sed he. 

"Wall, sir,'' sed I, "you s never more mistaken 
in your life. You hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under 
no circumstances. I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers ig 
my perfeshun. I'm the father of Twins, and they 
look like me — both of them. I cum to pay a 
frendly visit to the President eleck of the United 
States. If so be you wants to see me say so — if 
not. say so, & I'm orf like a jug handle." 

" Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, 
Sir." 

" Repose in Abraham's Buzzum ! " sed one of 
the orfice seekers, his idee bein to git orf a goak at 
my expense. 

" Wall," sez I, " ef all you fellers repose in that 
there Buzzum thare'll be mity poor nussin for sum 
of you ! ' whereupon Old Abe buttoned his weskit 
clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet 16. 
Jest at this pint of the conversation another swarm 



INTERVIEV/ WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN 155 

of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the parlei 
Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted coliectorships, 
sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin 
I thought Old Abe would go crazy. He hadn'l 
more than had time to shake hands with 'em, before 
another tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his prem- 
ises. His house and dooryard was now perfectly 
overflowed with orfice seekers, all clameruss for a 
immejit interview with Old Abe. One man from 
Ohio, who had about seven inches of corn whisky 
into him, mistook me for Old Abe and addrest me 
as " The Pra-hayrie .Flower of the West ! " 
Thinks I you want a offiss putty bad. Another man 
with a gold heded cane and a red nose told Old Abe 
he was " a seckind Washington & the Pride of the 
Boundliss West." 

Sez I, " Square, you wouldn't take a small post- 
offis if you could git it, would you? " 

Sez he, " a patrit is abuv them things, sir ! " 
" There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, 
aint there Squire ? " sez I, when another crowd of 
oflSss seekers pored in. The house, door-yard, barn 



156 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 

& woodshed was now all full, and when another 
crowd cum I told 'em not to go away for want of 
room as the hog-pen was stiil emptj. One patrit 
from a small town in Michygan went up on top the 
house, got into the chimney and slid down into 
the parler where Old Abe was endeverin to keep 
the hungry pack of orfice-seokers from chawin him 
up alive without benefit of clergy. The minit he 
reached the fire-place he jumpt up, brusht the soot 
out of his eyes, and yelled : " Don't make eny pint- 
ment at the Spunkville postoffiss till you've read my 
papers. All the respectful men in our town is 
signers to that there dockyment ! " 

" Good God ! " cride Old Abe, " they cum upon 
me from the skize — down the chimneys, and from 
the bowels of the yeartb ! " He hadn't more'n got 
them words out of his delikit mouth before two fixt 
offiss-seekers from Wisconsin, in endeverin to crawl 
atween his legs for the purpuss of apply in for the 
tollgateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck 
& he would hev gone sprawlin into the fire-place if 
I hadn't caught him in these arms. But I liadn't 



INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN 15? 

morn'n stood him up strate before another man cum 
crashin down the chimney, his head strikin me vi- 
lentljagin the inards and prostratin my voluptoous 
form onto tlie floor. " Mr. Linkin," shoutid the 
infatooated being, '' my papers is signed by every 
clergyman in our town, and likewise the skoolmas- 
ter ! " 

Sez I, " you egrejis ass," gittin up & brushin the 
.dust from my eyes, " I'll sign your papers with this 
bunch of bones, if you don't be a little more keerful 
how you make my bread basket a depot in the futer. 
How do you like that air perfumery ? " sez I, shuv- 
ing my fist under his nose. " Them's the kind of 
papers I'll giv you ! Them's the paper's you 
want ! " 

" But I workt hard for the ticket ; I toiled night 
and day ! The patrit should be rewarded ! " 

'' Virtoo," sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by 
the, coat-collar, " virtoo, sir, is its own reward. 
Look at me ! " He did look at me, and qualed be4 
my gase. " The fact is," I continued, lookin' round 
on the hungry crowd, ''there is scacely a offiss foi 



158 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 

every ile lamp carrid round durin' this campane. 1 
wish thare was. I wish thare was furrin missions to 
be filled on varis lonelj Islands where eppydeniicg 
rage incessantly, and if I was in Old Abe's place I'd 
send every mother's son of you to them. What air 
you here for?" I continnered, warmin up - consid- 
erable, " can't you giv Abe a minit's peace ? Don't 
you see he's worrid most to death ! Go home, you 
miserable men, go home & till the sile ! Go to ped 
dlin tinware — go to choppin wood — go to bilin' 
sope — stuiF sassengers — black boots — git a clerk 
ship on sum respectable manure cart — go round aa 
original Swiss Bell Ringers — becum 'origenal and 
only' Campbell Minstrels — go to lecturin at 50 dol- 
lars a nite — imbark in the peanut bizniss -r- wintc 
for the Ledger — saw off your legs and go round 
givin concerts, with techin appeals to a charitable 
public, printed on your handbills — anything for a 
h*.mest living, but don't come round here drivin Old 
Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up ! Go home. 
'Stand not upon the order of your goin,' but go to 
ouct i If in five minits from this time," sez I pul- 



INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 159 

lin' out mjnew sixteen dollar huntin cased watch; 
and brandishin' it before their eyes, " Ef in five 
minits from this time a single sole of you remains 
on these here premises, I'll go out to my cage neai 
by, and let my Boy Constructor loose ! -fe ef he git3 
amung you, you'll think old Solferino has cum again 
and no mistake ! " You ought to hev seen them 
scamper, Mr. Fair, They run orf as tho Satun his 
self- was -arter them with a red hot ten pronged 
pitchfork. In five minits the premises was clear. 

" How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your 
kindness ? " sed Old A.be, advancin and shakin me 
warmly by the hand, " How kin I ever repay you, 
sir ? " 

"By givin the whole country a good, sound ad- 
m]Llstration. By poerin' ile upon the troubled wa- 
turs, North and South. By pursooin' a patriotic, 
firm, and just course, and then if any State wants 
to secede, let 'em Sesesh ! " 

"How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister, Ward ? " sed 
A.be. 

" Fill it up with Showmen sir ! Showmen is 



160 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 

devoid of politics. They hain't got any principles ! 
They know how to cater for the public. The^ 
know what the public wants, North & South 
Showmen, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt their 
literary ability, look at their posters, and see small 
bills ! Ef you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it 
up with showmen, but don't call on me. The moral 
wax figger perfeshun musn't be permitted to go down 
while there's a drop of blood in these vains ! A. 
Linkin, I wish you well ! Ef Powers or Walcutt 
wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I 
scarcely think they'd sculp you ; but ef you do the 
fair thing by your country you'll make as putty a 
angel as any of us ! A. Linkin, use the talents 
which Nature has put into you judishusly and firmly, 
and all will be well ! A. Linkin, adoo ! " 

He shook me cordyully by the hand — wo ex- 
changed picters, so we could gaze upon each others' 
liniments when far away from one another — he at 
tie helium of the ship of State, and I at the helium 
of the show bizniss — admittance only 15 cents. 



THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 

You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was foi 
these" many dase gone and past. Perchans you 
sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of the Cappylets, tho I 
don't know what those is. It's a popler noospaper 
frase. 

Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here 
I've been among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily 
peck by my legitimit perfeshun, and havn't had no 
time to weeld my facile quill for ' " the Grate Kom- 
ick paper," if you'll alow me to kote from your 
troothful advertisement. 

My success was skaly^ and I likewise had a narrer 
scape of my life. If what I've bin threw is " Suth- 
ern hosspitality," 'bout which we've hearn so much, 
then I feel bound to obsarve that they made two 
much of me. They was altogether too lavish with 
their attenshuns. 



162 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 

I went amung the Seseshers with no feelms of 
annermositj. I went in my perfeshernal capacitj. 
I was actooatecl by one of the most Loftiest desires 
which can swell the human Buzzum, viz : — to giv 
the peeple their money's worth, by showin them Sa- 
gashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to 
say air onsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. 
I will not call that man who sez my statoots is hum- 
bugs a lier and a boss thief, but bring him be4 me 
and I'll wither him with one of my scornful frowns. 

But to proseed with my tail. In my travels 
threw the Sonny South I beared a heap of talk 
about Seceshon and bustin up the Union, but I 
didn't think it mounted to nothin. The politicians 
in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe (some- 
times called the Prahayrie flower) should'nt never be 
noggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in 
varis ways, but as they was used to that I didn't 
let it worry me much, and the Stars and Stripes con- 
tinued for to wave over my little tent. Moor over, I 
was a Son of Malty and a member of several other 
Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a Daw- 



THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 163 

ter of Maltj, an I sposed these fax would secoor me 
tlio infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. 
Alas ! I was dispinted. State arter State seseshed 
and it growed hotter and hotter for the undersined 
Things came to a climbmacks in a small town in Al- 
abamy, where I was premtorally ordered tc haul 
down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of rod- 
faced men cum up to the door of my tent ware I 
was standin takin money (the arternoon exhibishun 
had commenst, an' my Italyun organist was jerkin 
his sole-stirrin chimes.) " We air cum, Sir," said 
a millingtary man in a cockt hat, " upon a hi and 
holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin 
threwout this sunny land — proudly and defiantly , 
screamin, Sir ! ' 

" What's the matter with him," sez I, " don't hia 
vittles sit well on his stummick ? " 

" That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all 
0761 this Brite and tremenjus land ! " 

•' Wall, let him scroam. If your Eagle can 
amuse hisself by screamin, let him went ! " The 
men auoyed me for I was Bizzy makin change. * 



1G4 THE SHOAV IS CONFISCATED. 

" We are cum. Sir, upon a matter of dooty — " 

" You're right, Capting. It's every man's doot;^ 
to visit my show," sed I. 

" We air cum — " 

" And that's the reason you are here ! " sez I, 
larfin one of my silvery larfs. I thawt if he want- 
ed to goak I'd giv him sum of my sparklin eppy- 
grams. 

" Sir, you're inserlent. The plain question is, 
will you haul down the Star-Spangled Banner, and 
hist the Southern flag ! " 

" Nary hist ! " Those was my reply. 

" Your wax works and beests is then confisticated, 
• & you air arrested as a Spy ! " 

Sez I, "My fragrant roses of the Southern clime 
and Bloomin daffodils, what's the price of whisky in 
this town, and how many cubic feet of that seductive 
flooid can you individooally hold? " 

They made no reply to that, but said my wax Ag- 
gers was confisticated. I axed them if that waa 
ginerally the stile among thieves in that country, tc 
which they also made no reply, but sed I was arrest- 



THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 165 

ed as a Spy, and must go to Montgomrj in iuns 
They was by this time jined by a large crowd of 
other Southern patrits, who commenst hollerii 
' ' Hang the bald-headed aberlitionist, and bust af 
his immoral exhibition ! " I was ceased and tied to 
a stump, and the crowd went for my tent — that 
water-proof pavilion, wherein instruction and amoos- 
ment had been so muchly combined, at 15 cents per 
head — and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty 
faced boys was throwin stuns and empty beer bot- 
tles at my massiv brow, and takin other improper 
liberties with my person. Resistance was useless, 
for a variety of reasons, as I readily obsarved. 

The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smash- 
in them to alttums. They then went to my money 
box and confisticated all the loose change therein 
contaned. They then went and bust in my cages, 
lettin all the animils loose, a small but helthy ti- 
ger among the rest. This tiger has a excentric way 
of tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from 
Lis gineral conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun in 
^trvin human beins in the same way if h* could git 



166 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 

at them. Excuse me if 1 was crooil, but I larfed 
boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring in among 
the people. " Go it, mj sweet cuss ! " I inardly 
exclaimed, " I forgive you for bitin oif my left 
thum with all my heart ! Rip 'em up like a bully 
tiger whose Lare has bin inwaded by Seseshers ! " 

I can't say for certain^ that the tiger serisly in- 
jured any of them, but as he was seen a few daya 
after, sum miles distant, with a large and well select- 
ed assortment of seats of trowsis in his mouth, and 
as he lookt as tho he'd bin havin sum vilent exercise, 
I rayther guess he did. You will therefore perceive 
that they didn't confisticate him much. 

I was carrid to Montgomry in iuns and placed in 
durans vial. The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the 
table was librally surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. 
This was a good variety, for when I didn't hanker 
after Bakin I could help myself to the caboige. 

I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, 

owsever, and I was very lonely, specially on the 

first day ; so when the jailer parst my lonely sell I 

put the few stray hairs on the back part of my hoj 



THE SHOAV IS CONFISCATED. 167 

(I'm bald now, but thare was a time \Yhen I wore 
sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state as 
possible, & rollin mj eyes like a manyjuck, I cride : 
'' Stay, jaler, stay ! I am not mad but soon shall be 
if you don't bring me suthin to Talk ! " He brung 
me sum noospapers, for which I thanked him kindly. 

At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, 
the President of the Southern Conthieveracy. He 
was quite perlite, and axed me to sit down and state 
my case. I did it, when he larfed and said his gal- 
lunt men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic in confis- 
ticatin my show. 

" Yes," sez I, " they confisticated me too muchlj: 
I had sum bosses confisticated in the same way onct, 
but the confisticaters air now poundin stun in the 
States Prison in Injinnapylus." 

" Wall, wall, Mister Ward, you air at liberty to 
depart; you air frendly to the South, I know. 
Even now we hav many frens in the North, who 
sympathise with us, and wonM; mingle with thia 
fight." 

'' J Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of 



168 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 

US was jour sincere frends, and thought certin par- 
ties amung us was fussin about you and meddlin 
with your consarns intirelj too much. But J. 
Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry- 
goods called the Star-Spangled Banner, the North 
gits up and rises en massy, in defence of that ban- 
ner. Not agin you as individooals, — not agin the 
South even — but to save the flag. We should in- 
deed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart, 
milk-white in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we 
stood quietly by and saw this glorus Govyment 
smashed to pieces, either by a furrin or a intestine foe 
The gentle-harted mother hates to take her naughty 
child across her knee, but she knows it is her dooty 
to do it. So we shall hate to whip the naughty 
South, but we must do it if you don't make back 
tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your 
boots ! J. Davis, it is my decided opinion that the 
Sonny South is makin a egrejus mutton-hed of 
herself!" 

" Go on, sir, you're safe enujQT. You're too small 
powder for me ! " sed the President of the Southern 
Conthieveracj. 




"I -WAS CEAaED AND TIED TO A STUMP." [See Page 165.] 



THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 169 

" Wiiit till I go home and start out the Bald- 
insvill Mounted Hoss Cavalrj ! I'm Capting o^ 
that Corpse, I am, and J. Davis, beware ! Jeffer- 
son D., I now leave jou ! Farewell my gay Saler 
Boy ! Good bye, my bold buccaneer ! Pirut of 
the deep blue sea, adoo ! adoo ! " 

My tower threw' the Southern Conthieveracy on 
my way home was thrillin enuff for yeller covers. 
It will form the subject of my next. Betsy Jane 
and the progeny air well. 

Yours respectively, 

A. Waed. 



THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE- 

I had a narrer scape from the sonny South. 
' The swings and arrers of outrajus fortin," alluded 
to by Hamlick, warn't nothiri in comparison to my 
trubles. I come pesky near swearin sum profane 
oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't do it, for I've 
promist she whose name shall be nameless (except 
that her initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the 
Meetin House at Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can 
scrape money enuff together so I can 'ford to be 
piuss in good stile, like my welthy nabers. But 
if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I shall continner 
on in my present benited state for sum time. 

I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in 
my tower from Montgomry to biy humsted, and on 
sevril occasions I thought " the grate komick paper " 
would'nt l)e inriched no more with my lubrications 



" THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. l7l 

Arter biddin adoo to Jeflferson D. I started for the 
depot. I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a-plajin on 
a banjo. " Mj Afrikan Brother," sed 1, cotiiig 
from a Track I onct red, " you belong to a very in- 
teresting race. Your masters is going to war ex 
clcosivelj on your account." 

" Yes, boss," he rephed, "an' I wish 'em honor- 
able graves ! " and he went on playin the banjo, lar- 
fin all over and openin his mouth wide enuff to drive 
in an old-fashioned 2 wheeled chaise. 

The train of cars in which I was to trust my wal- 
lorable life was the scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of 
consarns that I ever saw on wheels afore. ' ' Y hat 
time does this string of second-hand coffins leave? " 
I inquired of the depot master. He sed direckly, 
and I went in & sot down. I hadn't more'n fairly 
squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister ex- 
pression onto his countenance entered the cars, and 
lookin very sharp at me, he axed what was my prin- 
ciples ? 

" Secesh ! " I ansered. " I'm a Dissoluter. I'm 
in favor of Jeff Davis, Bowregard, Pickens, Capt. 



172 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 

Kidd. Bloobeard, Munro Edards, the devil, Mrs. 
Cunningham and all the rest of 'em." 

" You're in favor of the war? " 

" Certinglj. By all means. I'm in ftwor of th\3 
•war and aiSO of the next war. I've been in favor 
of the next war for over sixteen years ! " 

'' War to the knive ! " sed the man. 

" Blud, Eargo, blud ! " sed I, tho them words 
isn't origgernal with me. Them words was rit by 
Shakspeare, who is ded. Ilis mantle fell onto the 
author of '' The Seven Sisters," who's goin to hav a 
Spring overcoat made out of it. 

Vf e got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our 
jerney at about the rate of speed which is ginrally 
obsarved by properly-conducted funeral processions. 
A hansum yung gal, with a red musketer bar on the 
back side of her hed, :jid a sassy little black hat 
tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat with me. She 
wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat, and she 
was a gom for to see her troo love, who had jined 
the Southern army, all so bold and gay. So she 
told me. She was chilly and I offered her my 
blanket. 



THRILLING SCENES IN DEKIE 173 

" Father livin ? " I axed. 

" Yes sir." 

' Got any Uncles ? " 

" A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tlio." 

" Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to 
him ! I will be your Uncle Thomas ! Lean on me 
my pretty Secesher, and linger in Blissful repose ! " 
She slept as secoorly as in her own housen, and 
didn't disturb the solium stillness of the night with 
'ary snore ! 

At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the 
cars and inquired if " Old Wax Works " was on 
bored. That was the disrespectiv stile in which 
they referred to me. " Becawz if Old Wax Worka 
is on bored," sez a man with a face like a double- 
brested lobster, " we're going to hang Old Wax 
Works ! " 

" My illustrious and patriotic Bummers ! " sez I, 
a gittin up and takin orf my Shappo, " if you al- 
lude to A. Ward, it's my pleasin dooty to inform 
you that he's ded. He saw the error of his waya 
at 15 minits parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed hisself 



1*74 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. > 

with a stuffed sled-stake, djin in five beautiful 'tab- 
loos to slow moosic ! His larst words was : 'M^ 
perfeshernal career is over ! I jerk no more ! ' " 

" And who be jou?" 

" I"m a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law ofTiss. 
I'm going up North to steal some spoons and things 
for the Southern Army." 

This was satisfactrj and the intossicated troopers 
went orf At the next station the prettj little Se- 
cesher awoke and sed she must git out there. I bid 
her a kind adoo and giv her sum pervisions. " Ac- 
cept my blessin and this hunk of gingerbred ! " I 
sed. She thankt me muchly and tript galy away. 
There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm 
fraid I shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy 
if he cums to me in the shape of a nice young gal. 

At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I 
was dragged out of the cars and rolled in the mud 
for several minits, for the purpose of " takin the 
conseet out of me,'* as a Secesher kindly stated. 

I was let up finally, when a powerful large Se- 
cesher came up and embraced me, and to show that 



THRILLING SLTINES IN DIXIE, 175 

he had no hard feelins agin me, put his nose. into 
my mouth. I returned the compliment hj placin 
m V stummick suddenly agin his right foot, when he 
kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied fice. Ac- 
tooated b j a desire to see whether the Secesher had 
T in vaxinated I then fastened my teeth onto his left 
coat-sleeve and tore it to the shoulder. We then 
vilently bunted our heads together for a few minits. 
danced around a little, and sot down in a mud pud- 
dle. We riz to our feet agin & by a sudden and 
adroit movement I placed my left eye agin the Se- 
aesher's fist. We then rushed into each other's 
arms and fell under a two-hoss wagon. I was very 
much exhaustid and didn't care about gettin up agin, 
but the man said he reckoned I'd better, and I con- 
clooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin 
on my feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew 
up and hit me in the hed. The crowd sed it was 
high old sport, but I couldn't zackly see where the 
lafture come in. I riz and we embraced agin. We 
careered madly to a steep bank, when I got the up- 
per hands of my antaggernist and threw him intc 



116 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 

the raveen. He fell about forty feet, striking a 
grindstone pretty hard. I understood he was injur- 
ed. I haven't heard from the grindstone. 

A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as 
though a apology was doo me. There was a mis- 
take. The crowd had taken me for another man ! 
I told him not to mention it, and axed him if his 
wife and little ones was so as to be about, and got on 
bored the train, which had stopped at that station 
" 20 minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid. 
It was the hartiest meal I ever et. 

I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin 
fire crackers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a 
fine spectycal in a dramatic pint of. view, but I didn't 
enjoy it. I had other adveuters of a startlin kind, 
but why continner ? Why lasserate the Public Boo- 
zum with these here things ? Sufiysit to say I got 
across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last. I made 
tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist 
for life failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein 
who stood before her, the gushin youth of forty-six 
summers who had left her only a few months afore. 



THEILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 177 

But I went into the pantry, and brought out a car- 
tin black bottle. Kaisin it to my lips, I sed " Here's 
to you. old gal ! " I did it so natral that she know- 
ed me at once. " Those form ! Them voice ! That 
natral stile of doin things ! 'Tis he ! " she cried, 
and rushed into my arms. It was too much for her 
& she fell into a swoon. I cum very near swound- 
m myself. 

No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration 
of the Union, and the bringin of the Goddess of 
Liberty out of her present bad fix. 
8* ' 



FOURTH OF JULY ORATION 

DELIVERED JULY 4tH, AT WEATHERSFIELD, CONNEC 
TICUT, 1859. 

[I cleliTered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and 
discriminating awjince. I was 96 minits passin a given pint. 1 
have revised the orashun, and added sum things which makes it 
approposser to the times than it otlierwise would be. I have also 
corrected the grammers and punktooated it. I do my own punk- 
tooatin now days. The printers in Vanity Fair of&ss can't 
punktooate worth a cent.] 

Feller Citizens : I've bin honored with a invite 
to norate before you to-day ; and when I say that I 
rfkuTcely feel ekal to the task, I'm sure you will be- 
lieve me. 

Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins 
and patritism the world over, and to be axed to 
paws and address you on this, my fust perfeshernal 
tower threw New Englan, causes me to feel — to 
feci — I may say it causes me to feel. (Grate ap- 
plaws. They thought this was one of my eccen 



FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 179 

tricities, while the fact is I was stuck. Thia be- 
tween you and I.) 

I'm a plane man. I don't know nothin about no 
ded languages and am a little shaky on livin ones. 
There4, expect no flowry talk from me. What I 
shall say will be to the pint, right strate out. 

I'm not a politician and my other habits air good. 
I've no enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge. 
But I'm a Union man. I luv the Union — it is a 
Big thing — and it makes my hart bleed to see a 
lot of ornery pepie a-movin heaven — no, not hea- 
ven, but the other place — and earth, to bust it up. 
Too much good blud was spilt in courtin and marryin 
that hily respectable female the Goddess of Liberty, 
to git a divorce from her now. My own State of 
Injianny is celebrated for unhitchin marrid peple 
wifah neatness and dispatch, but yoii can't git a 
divorce from the Goddess up there. Not by no 
means. The old gal has behaved herself too well to 
cast her off now. I'm sorry the picters don't give 
her no shoes or stockins, but the band of stars upon 
her bed must continner to shine undimd, forever. 



J 80 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 

I'me for the Union as she air, and whithered be the 
arm of every ornery cuss who attempts to bust her 
up. That's me. I hav sed ! [It was a very 
sweaty day, and at this pint of the orashun a man 
fell down with sunstroke. I told the iwjince that 
considerin the large number of putty gals present 
I was more fraid of a dawter stroke. This was 
impromptoo, and seemed to amoose them very much.] 
Feller Citizens — I hain't got time to notis the 
growth of Ameriky frum the time when the May- 
flowers cum over in the Pilgrim and brawt Plymmuth 
Rock with them, but every skool boy nose our 
kareer has bin tremenjis. You will excuse me if I 
don't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies. Peple 
which hung idiotic old wimin for witches, bnrnt 
holes in Quakers' tongues and consined their feller 
critters to the tredmill and pillery on the slitest 
provocashun may hav bin very nice folks in their 
way, but I must confess I don't admire their stile, 
and will pass them by. I spose they ment well, anu 
BO, in the novel and techin langwidge of the nuse- 
papers, ' peas to their ashis." Thare was no dis- 



FOUKTH OF JULY ORATION. 181 

kount, however, on them brave men who fit, bled 
and died in the American Revolushun. We needn't 
be afraid of setting 'em up two steep. Like my 
show, they will stand any amount of prase. G. 
Washington was abowt the best man this world ever 
sot eyes on. He was a clear-heded, warm-harted, 
and stiddy goin man. He never slopt over ! The 
prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP 
OVER ! [Put them words in large letters — A. 
W.] They git filled up and slop. They Rush 
Things. They travel too much on the high presher 
principle. They git on to the fust poplar hobby- 
hoss whitch trots along, not carin a sent whether the 
T)eest is even goin, clear sited and sound or spavined, 
blind and bawky. Of course they git throwed 
eventooually, if not sooner. When they see the 
multitood goin it blind they go Pel Mel with it, 
instid of exertin theirselves to set it right. They 
can't see that the crowd which is now bearin them 
triumfuntly on its shoulders will soon diskiver its 
error ani cast them into the boss pond of Oblivyun, 
without the slitest hesitashun. Washington never 



182 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 

Blopt over. That wasn't George's stile. He luved 
bis countrj dearly. He wasn't after the spiles. He 
was a human angil in a 3 kornerd hat and knee 
britches, and we shan't see his like right away. My 
frends, we can't all be Washington's, but we kin all 
be patrits & behave ourselves in a human and a 
Christian manner. When we see a brother goin 
down hill to Ruin let us not give him a push, but 
let us seeze rite hold of his coat-tails and draw him 
back to Morality. 

Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the 
character of seseshers ! As well fancy John Bun- 
yan and Dr. Watts in spangled tites, doin the tra- 
peze in a one-horse circus ! 

I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin ten 
dollars in Jeff Davis's pocket if he'd never bin born ! 

*.4L. .AL. 4L. ^ ^ ^ ^ 

•TT ■TV- "Tt- -J^ -p* T^ -ir 

Be shure and vote at leest once at all elecshuns. 
Buckle on yer Armer and go to the Poles. See 
two it that your naber is there. See that the 
Cripples air provided Avith carriages. Go to th 
poles and stay all day. Bewair of the 'nfamoua 



FODKTH OF JULY ORATION. 183 

lise Tvhitch the Opposisliun will be sartin to git up 

fur perlitical effek on the eve of eleckshun. To the 

poles ! and when you git there vote jest as you darn 

please. This is a privilege we all persess, and it is 

1 of the booties of this grate and free land. 

I see mutch to admire in New Englan. Your 

gals in particklar air abowt as snug bilt peaces of 

Calliker as I ever saw. They air fully equal to the 

corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny, and will make 

the bestest kind of wives. It sets my Buzzum on 

fire to look at 'em. 

Be still, my sole, be still, 
& you. Hart, stop cuttin up ! 

I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your 
enterprise, gumpshun &c., but your favorit Bevridge 
I disgust. I allude to New England Rum. It ia 
wuss nor the korn whisky of Injianny, which eats 
threw stone jugs & will turn the stummuck of the 
most shiftliss Hog. I seldom seek consolashun in the 
Ilowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid down some of 
your Rum. The fust glass indused me to sware 
like a infooriated trooper. On takin the secund 



184 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 

glass I was seezed with a desire to break winders, 
& arter imbibin the third glass I knocht a small boy 
down, pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and 
wildly commenced readin Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail. 
Its drefful stuff — a sort of lickwid litenin, gut up 
under the personal supervishun of the devil — tears 
men's inards all to peaces and makes their nosea 
blossum as the Lobster. Shun it as you would a 
wild hyeny with a fire brand tied to his tale, and 
while you air abowt it you will do a first rate thing 
for yourself and everybody abowt you by shunnin 
dll kinds of intoxicatin lickers. You don't need 'em 
no more'n a cat needs 2 tales, sayin nothin abowt 
the trubble and sufferin they cawse. But unless 
your inards air cast iron, avoid New Englan's 
favorite Bevrige. 

My frends, I'm., dun. I tear myself away from 
you with tears in my eyes & a pleasant oder of 
Onyins abowt my close. In the langwidge of 
J. lister Catterline to the Rummuns, I go, but per 
haps I shall cum back agin. Adoo, peple of Weth« 
ersfield. Be virtoous & you'll be happy ! 



THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. 

As soon as I'd recooperated mj pliysikil system, J 
went over into the village. The peasantry was glad 
to see me. The skoolmaster sed it was cheerin to 
see that gigantic intelleck among 'em onct more. 
That's what he called me. I like the skoolmaster, 
and allers send him tobacker when I'm off on a trav- 
elin campane. Besides, he is a very sensible man. 
Such men must be encouraged. 

They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville, aa 
nothin but a plank road runs in there twice a week, 
and that's very much out of repair. So my nabers 
wasn't much posted up in regard to the wars, 
'Squire Baxter sed he'd voted the dimicratic ticket 
for goin on forty year, and the war was a dam black 
republican lie. Jo. Stackpole, who kills hogs for 
the 'Squire, and has got a powerful muscle into hia 



180 THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. 

arms, seel he'd bet $5 he could lick the Crisis in a 
fair stand-up fight, if he wouldn't draw a knife on 
him. So it went — sum was for war, and sum waa 
for peace. The skoolmaster, however, sed the Slave 
Olii^arky must cower at the feet of the North ere a 
year had flowed by, or pass over his dead corpse. 
" Esto perpetua ! " he added ! "And sine qua non 
also ! " sed I, sternly, wishing to make a impression 
onto the villagers. " Requiescat in pace ! " sed the 
schoolmaster. " Too troo, too troo ! " I anserd," it's 
a scanderlus fact ! " 

The newspapers got along at last, chock full of 
war, and the patriotic fever fairly bust out in Bald- 
insville. 'Squire Baxter sed he didn't b'lieve in 
Coercion, not one of 'em, and could prove by a file 
of Eagles of Liberty in his garrit, that it was all 
a Whig lie, got up to raise the price of whisky and 
destroy our other liberties. But the old 'Squire got 
putty riley, when he heard how the rebels was cnt- 
tin up, and he sed he reckoned he should skour up 
his old muskit and do a little square fitin for the Old 
Flag, which had allers bin on the ticket he'd voted 



THE WAR FEVER IN BALDI:i5rSVILLE. 187 

i%nd he was too old to Bolt now. The 'Squire is all 
right at heart, but it takes longer for him to fill hia 
venerable Biler with stpam than it used to when he 
was young and friary. As I previously informed 
you, I am Captin of the Baldinsville Company. I 
riz grs'xiaoally but majestiely from drummer's Secre- 
tary io ray piesent position. But I found the ranki 
wasn't full by no means, and commenced for to re- 
croot. Havin notist a gineral desire on the part of 
young men who are into the Crisis to wear eppylits, 
I detarmined to have my company composed excloo- 
fiively of offissers, everybody to rank as Brigadeer- 
^inral. The follerin was among the varis questions 
which I put to recroots : 

Do you know a masked battery from a hunk of 
gingerbread ? 

Do you know a eppylit from a piece of chalk ? 

If 1 trust you with a real gun, how many men of 
your own company do you speck you can manage to 
kill durin the war ? 

Ilav you ever heard of Ginral Price of Missouri 
and can you avoid simler accidents in case of a bat- 
tle ? 



188 THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. 

ILiv jou ever had the measles, and if so, how 
many ? 

How air jou now ? 

Show me your tongue, &c., &c. Sum of the 
questions was sarcusstical. 

The company filled up rapid, and last Sunday we 
went to the meetin house in full uniform. I had a 
seris time gittin into my military harness, as it was 
bilt for me many years ago ; but I finally got inside 
of it, tho' it fitted me putty clost. Howsever, onct 
into it, I lookt fine — in fact, aw-inspirin. " Do 
you know me, Mrs Ward? " sed I walkin into the 
kitchin. 

" Know you, you old fool ? Of course I do, ' 

I saw at once she did. 

I started for the meetin house, and I'm afraid I 
tried to walk too strate, for I cum very near fallin 
over backards ; and in attemptin to recover myself, 
my sword got mixed up with my legs, and I fell in 
among a choice collection of young ladies, who was 
standin near the church door a-seein the sojer boya 
come up . My cockt hat fell off, and sumhow my 



THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. 189 

coat tales got twisted round my neck. The young 
ladies put their handkerchers to their mouths and 
remarked: " Te he," while my ancient female si u 
gle friend, Sary Peasley, bust out into a loud larf 
She exercised her mouth so vilently that her new 
false teeth fell out onto the ground. 

" Miss Peaseley," sed I, gittin up and dustin my- 
self, "you must be more careful with them store 
teeth of your'n or you'll have to gum it agin ! " 

Methinks I had her. 

I'd bin to work hard all the week, and I felt rath- 
er snoozy. I'm 'fraid I did git half asleep, for on 
hearin the minister ask, " Why was man made to 
mourn? " I sed, " I giv it up," havin a vague idee 
that it was a condrum. It was a onfortnit remark, 
for the whole meetin house lookt at me with mingled 
surprise and indignation. I was about risin to a pint 
of order, when it suddenly occurd to me whare I 
was, and I kept my seat, blushiu like the red, red 
rose — so to speak. 

The next mornin I 'rose with the lark (N. B. — 
I don't sleep with the lark, tho'. A goak.) 

My little dawter was execootin ballids, accom- 



190 THE WAR FEVER IN BALDIN8VILLE. 

panyin herself with the Akordeoiij and she wisht 
me to linger aad hear her sing: " Hark I hear a 
angel singin, a angel now is onto the wing." 

" Let him flj, my child ! " said I, a-bucklin on 
my armer. " I must forth to my Biz." 

We air progressin pretty well with our drill. Ag 
all air commandin ofGssers, there ain't no jelusy 
and as we air all exceedin smart, it t'aint worth 
while to try to outstrip each other. The idee of a 
company composed excloosively of Commanders-in- 
Chiefs, orriggernated, I spose I skurcely need say, 
in these Brane. Considered as a idee, I flatter my- 
self it is putty hefty. We've got all the tackticks 
at our tongs' ends, but what we particly excel in ia 
restin muskits. We can rest muskits with anybody. 

Our corpse will do its dooty. We go to the aid 
of Columby — we fight for the stars ! 

We'll be chopt into sassige meat before we'll ex- 
hibit our coat-tales to the foe. 

We'll fidit till there's nothin left of us but our 
little toeS; and even they shall defiantly wiggle ! 
" Ever of thee," 

A Ward 



INTEEVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 

Notwithstandin I haint writ much for the papera 
of late, nobody needn't flatter theirselves that the 
undersined is ded. On the contry, " I still live," 
which words was spoken by Danyil Webster, who 
was a able man. Even the old-line whigs of Bos- 
ton will admit that. Webster is ded now, howsever, 
and his mantle has probly fallen into the hands of 
sum dealer in 2nd hand close, who can't sell it. 
Leastways nobody pears to be goin round wearin it 
to any perticler extent, now days. The rigiment of 
whom I was kurnel, finerly concluded they was bet- 
ter adapted as Home Gards, which accounts for your 
not hearin of me, ear this, where the hauls is the thick- 
est and where the cannon doth roar. But as a Ameri- 
can citizen I shall never cease to admire the master- 
ly advance our troops made on Washington from Bui] 



192 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON.^ 

Run, a short time ago. It was well dun. I spoke 
to mj wife 'bout it at the time. My wife sed it waa 
well dun. 

It hafvin thero4 bin detarmined to pertcct Bald- 
iusville at all hazzuds, and as there was no appre- 
hensions of any immejit danger, I thought I would 
go orf onto a pleasure tower. Accordinly I put on 
a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton. I 
went there to see the Prints Napoleon, and not to 
see the place, which I will here take occasion to ob- 
sarve is about as uninterestin a locality as there is 
this side of J. Davis's future home, if he ever does 
die, and where I reckon they'll make it so warm for 
him that he will si for his summer close. It is easy 
enough to see why a man goes to the poor house or 
the penitentiary. It's becawz he can't help it. But 
why he should woluntarily go and live in Washin-, 
ton, is intirely beyond my comprehension, and I 
can't say no fairer nor that. 

I put up to a leadin hotel, I saw the landlord 
and sed, " How d'ye do. Square ? " 

*' Fifty cents, sir" was his reply. 




A.N Iotkrvievv with President Lincoln. [See Page 159.] 



INTERVIEW WITH THE PRmCE N.APOLEON. 1.93 

'^Sir?" 

" Ilalf-a-dollar. We charge twenty-five cents for 
look 172 at the landlord and fifty cents for speakin to 
him. Jf you want supper, a boy will show you to 
the dinin room for twenty-five cents. Your room be- 
in in the tenth story, it will cost you a dollar to be 
shown up there." 

" How much do you ax a man for breathin in this 
equinomikal tarvun ? " sed I. 

" Ten cents a Breth," was his reply. 

Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their 
charges. [N. B. — This is Sarkassum.] 

I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was imme- 
jitly ushered before him. He received me kindly, 
and axed me to sit down. 

" I hav cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister 
Napoleon, hopin I see you hale and harty." 

'• I am quite well," he sed. " Air you well, 
sir?'" 

'' Sound as a cuss ! " I answerd. 

Ho seem id to be pleased with my ways, and wo 
entered into conversation to onct. 
9 



194 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON 

"How's Lewis?" I axed, and he sed the Em- 
peror was well. Eugeny was likewise "well, he sed. 
Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider? did 
he cum home arlj nites ? did he perfoom her bed- 
room at a onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy ? 
Did he go to "the Lodge" on nites when there- 
wasn't any Lodge ? did he often hav to go down 
town to meet a friend? did he hav a extensiv ac- 
quaintance among poor young widders whose hus- 
bands was in Californy ? to all of which questions 
the Prints perlitely replide, givin me to understan 
that the Emperor was behavin wel!. 

"lax these questions, my royal duke and most 
noble bigness and imperials, becaws I'm anxious to 
know how he stands as a man. I know he's smart. 
lie is cunnin, ^e is long-heded, he is deep — he is 
grate. But onless he is good he'll come down with 
a crash one of these days and the Bonyparts will bo 
Bustid up agin. Bet yer life ! " 

" Air you a preacher, sir?" he inquired slitely 
sarkasticul. 

" No, sir. But I bleeve in morality. I likewise 



INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 195 

bleeve in Meetin Houses. Show me a place wliere 
there isn't any Meetin Houses and where preachers 
is never seen, and I'll show you a place where old 
Lats air stuffed into broken winders, where the children 
air. dirty and ragged, where gates have no hinges, 
where the wimin are slipshod, and where maps of 
the devil's " wild land " air painted upon men's 
shirt-bosums with tobacco-jooce ! That's what I'll 
show you. Let us consider what the preachers do 
for us before we aboose 'em." 

He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy. Not 
at all, and he was happy to see that I was interest- 
ed in the Bonypart family. 

"It's a grate family," sed I. " But they scoop- 
ed the old man in." 

"How, sir?" 

" Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped 
mm at Waterloo. He wanted to do too much, and 
he did it ! They scooped him in at Waterloo, and 
he subsekently died at St. Heleny ! There's where 
the gratest military man this world ever projuced 
pegged out. It was rather hard to consine such a 



100 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 

mm as him to St. Ileleny, to spend his larst days in 
catchin mackeril, and walkin vip and down the 
dreary beach in a military cloak drawn titely round 
him, (see picter-books), but so it was. ' ITed of the 
Army ! ' Them was his larst words. So he had 
l)in. lie was grate ! Don't I wish we had a paii' 
of his old boots to command sum of our Brigades ! " 

This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by 
the hand. 

" Alexander the Grate was punkins," I contin- 
ncred, but Napoleon was punkinser ! Alic. wept 
bocaws there was no more worlds to sooop, and then 
took to drinkin. He drowndid his sorrers in the 
llowin bole, and the flowin bole was too mucli for 
Lim. It gincrally is. lie undertook to give a 
6n;d<e exhibition in his boots, but it killed him 
That was a bad joke on Alic ! " 

'• Since you air so solicitous about France and the 
Emperor, may I ask you how your own country is 
getting along ? " sed Jerome, in a pleasant voice. 

"■It's mixed," 1 sed. " But 1 think we shall 
cum out all right." 



INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 19'? 

" Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent 
continent, could hav had no idee of the grandeur it 
■would one day assoom," sed the Prints. 

it cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit 
out his explorin expedition," sed I. " If he had 
bin a sensible man he'd hav put the money in a boss 
railroad or a gas company, and left this magnificent 
continent to intelligent savages, who when they got 
hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it, and who 
wouldn't hav seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt Lib- 
erty in the hed with a slungshot. Columbus wasn't 
much of a feller, after all. It would hav bin money 
in my pocket if he'd staid to home. Chris, mcnt 
well, but he put his foot in it when he saled for 
America." 

We talked sum more about matters and things, and 
at larst I riz to go. "I will now say good bye to 
you, noble sir, and good luck to you. Likewise the 
same to Clotildy. Also to the gorgeous persons 
which compose your soot. If the Emperor's boy 
don't like livin at the Tooleries, when he gits older, 
and would like to imbark in the show bizniss, let 



198 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRIISCE NAPOLEON. 

liim come with me and I'll make a m-an of him 
You find us sumwhat mixed, as I before obsarved, 
but come again next year and you'll find us clearer 
nor ever. The American Eagle has lived too 
sumptuously of late — his stummic becum foul, and 
he's takin a slite emetic. That's all. We're gettin 
ready to strike a big blow and a sure one. When 
we do strike the fur will fly and secession will be in 
the hands of the undertaker, sheeted for so deep a 
grave that nothin short of Gabriel's trombone will 
ever awaken it ! Mind what I say. You've heard 
the showman ! " 

Then advisin him to keep away from the Peter 
Funk auctions of the East, and the proprietors of 
corner-lots in the West, I bid him farewell, and 
went away. 

There was a levee at Senator What's-his-name's, 
and I thought I'd jine in the festivities for a spell. 
Who should I see but she that was Sarah Watkins, 
now the wife of our Congresser, trippin in the 
dance, dressed up to kill in her store close. Sarah's 
father use to keep a little grosery store in our town, . 



INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON 199 

and she used to clerk it for him in busy times. I 
was rushin up to shake hands with her when she 
turned on her heel, and tossin her hed in a con- 
temptooious manner, walked awav from me very 
rapid. " Hallo, Sal,'' I hollered, " can't you meas- 
ure me a quart of them best melasses ? I may want 
a codfish, also ! " I guess this reminded her of the 
little red store, and " the days of her happy child- 
hood." 

But I fell in with a nice little gal after that, who 
was much sweeter than- Sally's father's melasses, and 
I axed her if we shouldn't glide in the messy 
dance. She sed we should, and we Glode. 

I intended to make this letter very seris, but a 
few goaks may have accidentally crept in. Never 
mind. Besides, I think it improves a komick papei 
to publish a goak once in a while. 

Yours Muchly, 

WARD, (Artemus.) 



I. 

A JUVENILE COMPOSITION. 

ON THE ELEPHANT. 

The Elephant is the most largest Annymile in the 
whole world. He eats hay and kakes. You mnst 
not give the Elephant Toljacker, becoz if you do he 
wiU stamp his grate big feet upon to you and kill 
you fatally Ded. Some folks thinks the Elephant is 
the most noblest Annymile in the world, but as for 
Me giv Me the American Egil and the Stars & 
Stripes. Alexander Pottles his Peace. 



n. 

A POEM BY THE SAME. 

SOME VERSES SUGESTID BY 2 OE MY UNCLES. 

Uncle Simon he 

Clum up a tree 

To see what he could see 

When presentlee 

Uncle Jim 

Clum up beside of him 

And squatted down by he. 



A KOMANCE OF THE TRJINCH SCHOOL. 
I. 

, Friday, , 1860. 

On the sad sea shore ! Always to hear the moan- 
ing of these dismal waves ! 

Listen. I will tell you my story — my story of 
love, of misery, of black despair. 

I am a moral Frenchman. 

She whom I adore, whom I adore still, is the wife 
of a fat Marquis — a lop-eared, blear-eyed, greasy 
Marquis. A man without soul. A man without 
eentimentj who cares naught for mcfonlight and mu- 
sic. A low, practical man, who p^ys his debt«. I 
bate him. 



202 MVRION A ROMANCE 

II. 

She, my soul's deliglit, my empress, my angel, ia 
superbly beautiful. 

I loved her at first sight — devotedly, madly. 

She dashed past me in her coupe. I saw her but 
a moment — perhaps only an instant — but she took 
me captive then and there, forevermore. 

Forevermore ! 

I followed her, after that, wherever she went. 
At length she came to notice, to smile upon me 
My motto was en avant ! That is a French word 
I got it out of the back part of Worcester's Die 
tionary. 

III. 

She wrote me that I might come and see her at 
her own house. Oh, joy, joy unutterable, to see 
her at her own house ! 

I went to see her after nightfall, in the soft moon- 
light. 

She came down the graveled walk to meet me, on 



MARION : A KOJVIANCE . 20S 

this beautiful midsummer night — came to me in 
pure white, her golden hair in splendid disorder — 
strangely beautiful, yet in tears ! 

She told me her fresh grievances. 

The Marquis, always a despot, had latterly mis- 
used het most vilely 

That very morning, at breakfast, he had cursed 
the fishballs and sneered at the pickled onions. 

She is a good cook. The neighbors will tell you 
so. And to be told by the base Marquis — a man 
who, previous to his marriage, had lived at the cheap 
eating-houses — to be told by him that hei manner 
of frying fishballs was a failure — it was too much. 

Her tears fell fast. I too wept. I mixed my 
sobs with her'n. " Fly with me! " I cried. 

Her lips met mine. I held her in my arms. I 
felt her breath upon my cheek ! It was Hunkey. 

"Fly with me. To New York! I will write 
romances for the Sunday papers — real French ro- 
nances, with morals to them. My style will be ap- 
preciated. Shop girls and young mercantile^persona 
will adore it, and I will amass wealth with my ready 
pen. 



204 MAKION : A ROMANCE. 

Ere she could reply — ere she could articukte her 
ecstacj, her husband, the Marquis, crept snake- like 
upon me. 

Shall I write it? He kicked me out of the gar- 
den — he kicked me into the street. 

I did not return. How could I ? I, so ethereal, 
BO full of soul, of sentiment, of sparkling original- 
ity ! He, so gross, so practical, so lop-eared ! 

Had I returned, the creature would have kicked 
me again. 

So I left Paris for this place — this place, so 
lonely, so dismal. 

Ah me ! 

Oh dear! 



TOUCHING LETTEE FKOM A GORY MEMBER 
OF THE HOME GUARD. 

Broadway, Dec. 10, '61. 



Dear Father and Mother : 

We are getting along very well. We mesa at 
Delmonico's. Do not repine for your son. Some 
must suffer for the glorious Stars and Stripes, and^ 
dear parents, why shouldn't I ? Tell Mrs. Skuller 
that we do not need the blankets she so kmdly sent 
to us, as we bunk at the St. Nicholas and Metropoli- 
tan. What our brave lads stand most in need of 
now, is Fruit Cake and Waffles. Do not weef for 
me. 

Henry Adolphus. 



EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. 

The Broadway houses have given the public im- 
mense quantities of Central Park, Seven Sisters, 
Nancy Sykes and J. Cade. I suppose the Broad- 
way houses have done this chiefly because it has 
paid them, and so I mean no disrespect when I 
state that to me the thing became rather stale. I 
sighed for novelty. A man may stand stewed veal 
for several years, but banquets consisting exclusively 
of stewed veal would become uninteresting after a 
century or so. A man would want something else. 
The least particular man, it seems to me, would do- 
sire to have his veal " biled," by way of a change. 
So I. tired of the thread-bare pieces at the Broad 
way houses, went to the East Side for something 
fresh. I wanted to see some libertines and brig- 
ands. I wanted to see some cheerful persons iden- 



EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. 207 

tified with the blacksmith and sewing-machine inter- 
ests triumph over those libertines and brigands, in 
the most signal manner. I wanted, in short, to see 
the Downfall of Vice and Triumph of Virtue. 
That was what ailed me. And so I went to the East 
Side. 

Poor Jack Scott is gone, and Jo. Kirbj dies no 
more on the East Side. They've got the blood and 
things over there, but alas ! they're deficient in 
lungs. The tragedians in the Bowery and Chatham 
street of to-day dont start the shingles on the roof 
as their predecessors, now cold and stiff in death, 
used to when they threw themselves upon their 
knees at the footlights and roared a redhot curse af- 
ter the lord who had carried Susan away, swearing 
to never more eat nor drink until the lord's vile 
heart was torn from his body, and ther-rown to tho 
dorgs — rattling their knives against the tin lamps 
and glaring upon the third tier most fearfully the 
while. 

Glancing at the spot where it is said Senator 
Benjamin used to vend second-hand clothes, and re- 



208 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS 

gretting that he had not continued in that compara- 
sivelj honorable vocation instead of* sinking to his 
present position ; — wondering if Jo. Klirbj would 
ever consent, if .he were alive, to die wrapped up in 
a Secession flag ! — gazing admiringly upon the un- 
©stentatious sign-board which is suspended in front 
of the Hon, Izzy Lazarus's tavern ; — glancing, 
wondering and gazing thus, I enter the Old Chat- 
ham theatre. The pit is full, but people fight shy 
of the boxes. 

The play is about a servant-girl, who comes to 
the metropolis from the agricultural districts, in 
short skirts, speckled hose, and a dashing little 
white hat, gaily decked with pretty pink ribbons — 
that being the style of dress invariably worn by ser- 
vant-girls from the interior. She is accompanied by 
a chaste young man in a short-tailed red coat, who, 
being very desirous of protecting her from the temp- 
tations of a large city, naturally leaves her in the 
treet and goes off somewhere. Servant-girl en- 
counters an elderly female, who seems to be a very 
nice sort of person indeed, but the young man in a 



EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. 209 

short-tailed coat comes in and thrusts the elderly fe- 
male aside, calling her " a vile hag." This pleases 
the pit, which is ever true to virtue, and it accord- 
inglj cries- " Hi ! hi ! hi ! " 

A robber appears. . The idea of a roDoer in times 
like these, is rather absurd. The most adroit robber 
would eke out a miserable subsistence if he attempt- 
ed to follow his profession now-a-dajs. i should 
prefer to publish a daily paper in Chelsea. Neverthe- 
less, here is a robber. He has been playing poker 
with his " dupe," but singularly enough the dupe 
has won all the money. This displeases the robber, 
and it occurs to him that he will kill the dupe. Ho 
accordingly sticks him. The dupe staggers, falls, 
says " Dearest Eliza ! " and dies. Cries of hi ! hi ! 
hi ! " in the pit, while a gentleman with a weed on 
his hat, in the boxes, states that the price of green 
smelts is five cents a quart. This announcement is 
not favorably received by the pit, several members 
»f which come back at the weeded indi\idual with 
yome advice in regard to liquidating a long-standing 
account for beans and other refreshments at an adja- 
cent restaurant. 



210 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. 

The robber is seized with remorse, and says ^the 
money which he has taken from the dupe's pockets, 
'' scorches " him. Robber seeks refuge in a miser's 
drawing-room, where he stays for " seven days.' 
There is a !8ng chest, full of money and diamonds 
in the room. The chest is unlocked, but misers 
very frequently go off and leave long chests full of 
money unlocked in their drawing rooms, for seven 
days ; and this robber was too much of a gentleman 
to take advantage of this particular miser's absence. 
By-and-by the miser returns, when the robber 
quietly kills him and chucks him in the chest. 
'' Sleep with your gold, old man! " says the bold 
robber, as he melodramatically retreats — retreats to 
a cellar, where the servant girl refides. Finds that 
she was formerly his gal, when ae resided in the ru- 
ral districts, and regrets havmg killed so many pei • 
sons, for if so be he hadn t he might marry her and 
settle down, whereas now he can't do it, as he saya 
he is "unhappy." But he gives her a ring — a 
rin^ ho had stolen from the dupe - -- and flies. Pres- 
ently the dupe, who has come to life in a singular 



EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. 211 

but eminently theatrical manner, is brought into the 
cellar. He discovers the ring upon the servant 
girl's finger — servant girl states that she is inno- 
cent, and the diipe, with the remark that he sees hia 
mother, dies, this time positively without reserve. 
Servant girl is taken to Newgate, whither goes the 
robber and gains admission by informing the turn- 
key that he is her uncle. Throws off his disguise, 
and like a robber bold and gay, says he is the guilty 
party and will save the servant girl. He drinks a 
vial of poison, says he sees his mother, and dies to 
slow fiddling. Servant girl throws herself upon 
him wildly, and the virtuous young party in a short- 
tailed coat comes in and assists in the tableau. Rob- 
ber tells the servant girl to take the party in the 
short- tailed coat and be happy — repeats that he 
sees his mother (they always do), and dies again. 
Cries of " Hi ! hi ! hi ! " and the weeded gentle- 
man reiterates the price of green smelts. 

Not a remarkably heavy plot, but quite as bulky 
as the plots of the Broadway sensation pieces. 



SOLILOQUY OF A LOW TIITEF. 

My name is Jim Griggins. I"m a low tliiof. 
My parients was ignorant folks, and as poor as the 
shadder of a bean pole. My advantages for gettin' 
a eddy cation was exceedin' limited. I growed up 
in the street, quite loose and permiskis, you see, and 
took to vice because I had nothing else to take to, 
and because nobody had never given me a sight at 
virtue. 

I'm in the penitentiary. I was sent here onct be- 
fore for priggin' a watch. I served out my time, and 
now I'm here agin, this time for stealin' a few in- 
significant clothes. 

I shall always blame my parients for not eddyca- 
tin' me. Had I bin liberally eddycated I could 
with my brilliant native talents, have bin a big 
thief — I b'leeve they call 'em defaulters. Instead 



SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF 213 

of confinin' myself to priggin' clothes, watches, 
spoons and sich like, I could have plundered princely 
sams — thousands and hundreds of thousands of dol 
lars — and that old humbug, the law, wouldn't hav 
harmed a hair of my head ! For, you see, I should 
be smart enough to get elected State Treasurer, or 
ave something to do with Banks or Railroads, and 
perhaps a little of both. Then, you see, I could 
ride in my carriage, live in a big house with a free 
stun frunt, drive a fast team, and drink as much gin 
and sugar as I wantedr A inwestigation might be 
made, and some of the noosepapers might come down 
on me heavy, but what the d — 1 would I care about 
that, havm' previously taken precious good care of 
the stolen money? Besides, my "party" would 
swear stout that I was as innersunt as the new-born 
babe, and a great many people would wink very 
pleasant, and say, " Well, Griggins understands what 
he's 'bout, HE does ! " 

But havin' no eddycation, I'm only a low thief — 
ft stealer of watches and spoons and sich — a low 
wretch, anyhow — and the Law puts me tlirough 
without mercy. ^ 



214 SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF. 

It's all right, I s'pose, and yet I sometimes think 
it's werj hard to be shut up here, a weariu 
checkered clothes, a livin' on cold vittles, a sleepin' 
on iron beds, a lookin' out upon the world through 
iron muskeeter bars, and poundin' stun like a galley 
slave daj after day, week after w^eek, and year aftei 
year, while my brother thieves (for to speak candid, 
there's no difierence between a thief and a defaulter, 
excejit that the latter is forty times wuss) who hav<» 
stolen thousands of dollars to my one cent, are 
walkin' out there in the bright sunshine — dressed 
up to kill, new clothes upon their backs and piles 
of gold in their pockets ! But the Law don't tech 
'em. They are too big game for the Law to shoot 
at. It's as much as the Law can do to take care of 
us ignorant thieves. 

Who said there was no difference 'tween tweedle- 
dum and tweedledee ? He lied in his throat, like a 
villain as he was ! I tell ye there's a tremendous 
difference. 

Oh that I had been liberally eddycated ! 

Jim GRiaaiNS. 
Sing-Sing, 1860. 



SUREENDER OF CORNWALLIS 

It was customary in many of the inland towns of 
New England, some thirty years ago, to celebrate 
the anniversary of the surrender of Lord Cornwai- 
lis, by a sham representation of that important evcDt 
m the history of the Revolutionary War. A town 
meeting would be called, at which a company of men 
would be detailed as British, and a company as 
Americans — two leading citizens being selected to 
represent Washington .and Cornwallis in the mimic 
surrender. 

The pleasant little town of W , in whose 

j?chools the writer has been repeatedly " corrected,'^ 
upon wnose ponds he has often skated ; upon whose 
richest orchards he has, with other juvenile bandits, 
many times dashed in the silent midnight ; the town 
of W , where it was popularly believed these 



216 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 

bandits would " come to a bad end," resolved to 
celebrate the surrender. Rival towns had cele- 
brated, and W determined to eclipse them in 

tlje most signal manner. It is my privilege to tell 
how W succeeded in this determination. 

The great day came. It was ushered in by the 
roar of musketry, the ringing of the village church 
bell, the squeaking of fifes, and the rattling of 
drums. 

People poured into the village from all over the 

county. Never had W experienced such a jam. 

Never had there been such an onslaught upon gin- 
gerbread carts. Never had New England rum 
(for this was before Neal Dow's day) flowed so free- 
ly. And W 's fair daughters, who mounted 

the house-tops to see the surrender, had never look- 
ed fairer. The old folks came, too, and among them 
were several war, scarred heroes, who had fought 
gallantly at Monmouth and Yorktown These brave 
sons of '76 took no part in the demonstration, but 
an honored bench was set apart for their exclusive 
use on the piazza of Sile Smith's store. When thej 




"Oh that I SHOULD LIVE TO SEE MYSELF A DED BODY I 
SCREAMED THE tTNTOBTNET MAN. [See Poge 123.] 



SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 2L7 

^ere dry, all they had to do was to sing out to Sile'a 
boy, Jerry, " a leetle New Englan' this way, Wyoii 
please." It was brought forthwith. 

At precisely 9 o'clock, by the schoolmaster's new 
^'Lepeen" watch, the American and British forces 
marched on to the village green and placed them- 
selves in battle array, reminding the spectator of 
the time when 

" Brave AVolf drew up his men 
In a style most pretty. 
On tlie Plains of Abraham 
Before the city." 

The character of Washington had been assigned 
CO 'Squire Wood, a well-to-do and influential far- 
mer, while that of Cornwallis had been given to the 
village lawyer, a kind-hearted but rather pompous 
person, whose name was Caleb Jones. 

'Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, 
had met with many unexpected difficulties in prepar- 
ing his forces, and in his perplexity he had emptied 
not only his own canteen but those of most of his 
aids. The consequence was — mortifying as it must 

be to all true Auericans — blushing as I do to tel] 
10 



218 SUEKENDFR OF CORNWALLIS 

it, Washington at tlie commcncciueul of the mimio 
struggle was most unqualifiedly drunk. 

The sham fight commenced. Bang ! bang ! bang ! 
from the Americans — bans; ! bana; ! bans; ! from the 

o o o 

British. The bangs were kept hotly up until the 
powder gave out, and then came the order to cliarge. 
Hundreds of wooden bayonets flashed ficrely in the 
sunlight, each soldier taking very good care not to 
hit"^ny body. 

" Thaz (hie) riglit," shouted Vfashington, who 
durin"; the sliootino; had been racino; his liorse wild- 
]y up and down the line, " thaz right ! Gin it to 
'em ! Cut their tarnal heads off ! " 

" On Romans ! " shrieked Connvallis. who had 
once seen a theatrical performance and remembered 
the heroic appeals of the Thespian belligerents, " on 
to the fray ! No sleep till mornin".'" 

" Let cout all their bowels," yelled Washington, 
"and down with taxation on +ea ! " 

The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were 
properly arranged^ and Cornwallis, dismounting, 
prepared to present his sword to Washington accord- 
ing to programme. As he walked slowly towards 



SURRENDER OF CORFWALLIS 219 

the -.Father of His Country he rehearsed the little 
speech he had committed for the occasion, while the 
illustrious being who was to hear it was making des 
pcrate efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would 
wildlj brandish his sword and narroAvly escape cut- 
ting off his horse's ears, and then he Avould fall sud- 
denly forward on to the steed's neck, grasping the 
mane as drowning men seize hold of straws. He 
was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on 
norseback. All idea of the magnitude of the occa- 
sion had left him, and when he saw Cornwallis ap- 
proaching, with slow and stately step, and sword- 
hilt extended toward him he inquired, 

" What-'n devil you want, any (hie) how ! " 
" General Yfashington," said Cornwallis, in digni- 
fied and impressive tones, " I tender you my sword. 
I need not inform you, Sir, how deeply — 

The speech was here cut suddenly short by Wash- 
ington, who driving the spurs into his horse, play- 
fully attempted to run over the commander of the 
British forces. He was not permitted to do this, for 
his aids, seeing his unfortunate condition, seized the 



220 SURRENDER OF CORNWAlLIS. 

horse by tlie bridle, straightened Washington up ia 
his saddle, and requested Cornwallis to proceed with 
his remarks. 

" General Washington," said Cornwallis, " tlie 
British Lion prostrates himself at the feet of tlie 
American Eagle ! " 

" Eagle? Eagle ! " yelled the infuriated Wasli- 
inaton, rolling off his horse and hitting Cbrnwallia 
frightful blow on. the head with the flat of his 
sword, " do you call me a Eagle^ you mean sneakin 
cuss?" He struck him again, sending him to the 
ground, and said, " I'll learn you to call me a Eagle, 
you infernal scoundrel ! " 

Cornwallis remained upon the ground only a mo- 
ment. Smarting from the blows he had received, he 
arose with an entirely unlooked for recuperation on 
the part of the fallen, and in direct defiance of his- 
torical example ; in spite of the men of both nations, 
indeed, he whipped the Immortal Washington until 
he roared for mercy. 

The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at 
the conduct of their chief, now began to sympathize 



SURRENDER OF OtRNWALLIS. 221 

witb, him and resolved to whip their mock foes iii ear- 
nest. They rushed fiercely upon them, but the Brit- 
ish were really the stronger party and drove the 
Americans back. Not content with this they charg- 
ed madly upon them and drove them from the field 
— from the village, in fact. There were many head^ 
damaged, eyes draped in mourning, noses fractured 
and legs lamed — it is a wonder that no one was 
killed outright. 

Washington was confined to his house for several 
weeks,but he recovered at last. For a time there 
was a coolness between himself and Cornwallis, but 
they finally concluded to join the whole county in. 
lauwhino; about the surrender. 

They live now. Time, the " artist," has thorough- 
ly white- washed their heads, but they are very jolly 
still. On town meeting days the old 'Squire always 
rides down to the village. In the hind part of his 
venerable yellow wagon is always a bunch of hay, os- 
t?nsibly for the old white horse, but really to hide a 
glass bottle from the vulgar gaze. Thisbottlehas on one 
side a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other may be 
20 



222 SURRENDER OF CORNW ALLIS. 

seen the Goddess of Liberty. What the bottle con- 
tains inside I cannot positively say, but it is true that 
'Squire Wood and Lawyer Jones visit that Ijottle 
very frequently on town meeting days and come 
back looking quite red in the face. When this red- 
ness in the face becomes of the blazing kind, as it 
generally does by the time the polls close, a short 
dialogue like this may be heard : 

" We shall never play surrender again, Lawyer 
Jones ! " 

" Them days is over, 'Squire Wood ! " 
And then they laugh and jocosely punch each 
other in the ribs. 



THE WIFE. 

Home they brought her warrior Jead . 

8he uor swooned, nor uttered cry 
A.11 hex maidens, watching, said, 
" She miist weep or she will die " 

The propriety of introducing a sad story like the 
following, in a book intended to be rather cheerful 
in its character, may be questioned ; but it so beauti- 
fully illustrates the firmness of woman when grief 
and despair have taken possession of " the chambers 
of her heart," that we cannot refrain from relat- 
ing it. 

Lucy M loved with all the ardor of a fond 

and faithful wife, and when he upon whom she had 
so confidingly leaned was stolen from her by death^ 
er friends and companions said Lucy would go 
Rad. Ah, how little they knew her ! 



224 



THE WIFE. 



Gazing for the last time upon the clay-cold featurea 
of her departed husband, this young widow — beauti- 
ful even in her grief : so ethereal to look upon and 
yet so firm ! — looking for the last time upon the 
dear, familiar face, now cold and still in death — Oh, 
looking for the last, last time — she rapidly put on 
her bonnet, and thus addressed the sobbing gentle- 
men who W3re to act as pall -bearers : " You pall- 
bearers ju3t go into the buttery and get %me rum, 
and we'U start this man risjht alon^ ! " 







New England Rum, and its Effects. [See Page 184. 



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